Full video game mode

that's what i like to call the current state of affairs that i find myself thrust into. it comes down when you are so thoroughly fucked that all you can do is laugh. that's what i'm doing right now. i left work at 12:30 this morning and am now back at 8:15. in the words of a blacked out, 6'5 kid, "bring it". so as i sit here this morning and realize all the exciting things that i won't get to do today, i can take solace in the fact that almost every person i speak to will be thoroughly confused by everything that comes out of my mouth.

why? because video game mode means that almost all social skills go out the window and that whole filter thing that i rarely use to begin with is switched into do not disturb mode. these are usually the situations where people who i can usually tolerate and get along with will get a short, snappy reply when they ask me questions that i consider to be stupid or demeaning to my intelligence...and frankly theirs.

if part of your job was to hold people's hands who have been in their current positions for over a year now, you might feel the same way too. maybe it comes from being in the field i am at the age i am, but i don't think i should ever have to walk someone through their professional life...i'm not a life coach. i have this little dealy here to show the world that i am not in a position to raise you. while i can provide you guidance on a series of issues, usually the next person's opinions the one you want to go with. seriously. if you were to ask me and a bum on the side of a road who has one tooth hanging down by the last nerve in his mouth and the rest of his teeth in his change cup to make more noise in order for it to seem like he is good at collecting money and you should chip in too, he'd probably be the one that would work out best for you in the end.

it's kind of funny. i look at is at there are two perspectives when i make my decisions and two results. there is what i used during the college days of "oh fuck it, what's the worst that could happen" and then there is the "you don't get away with anything so don't try it".

usually when i follow OFI style, things go badly...really, really bad. i'd love to give you an explanation, but right now i'm trying to figure out how i ended up where i am at this current moment. it seriously feels like i never left because there are even fewer people at work right now than when i left earlier this morning. yikes. perhaps this is a good example of that style. here i am careless walking through life comparing being used like a slave to playing video games. i guess this is like rationalize accepting money for performing beastiality acts to feed your meth habit...and there you have it! an example of the oh fuck it style.

following the not getting away with anything approach, you get all the excitement of chocolate and vanilla ice cream in one! aren't you excited kids? you get low scores and ties! you get to wear the same clothes, have the same conversations and make ths same jokes over and over again...but, you get all the excitement of consistancy and all the glorious awards that come with it like "pefect attendance" and "most times had your ass kicked by a 2nd grade bully even though you're 37".

all that and more.

well then. it's time for me to go "back to the grind" to "power through". i just got an email from a person who shares the same title as me saying how proud she is of all of us paralegals who have been working so hard. you know what i need? i need to be told by someone who went to bed an hour before me who has a seriously overinflated opinion of how important she is to tell me she is proud of me and all of the other slaves of the work we're putting in. that's the motivation i need to finally go up to her office and french yes all over her keyboard. my God. how important can one person really think a paralegal is? we could easily be replaced by a paramoron. if fact, you could take any word, any at all, and put para before it and that thing could do my job.

i've always enjoyed laughing at people who try to assert themselves in a desperate grasp at authority. it's kind of fun to see someone so desperate that they would be willing to lick a urinal cake if it meant that they could boss people around. that's not how i roll.