Bachelor Party Send Off

It's this thing that's just around the corner that constantly nags at you until it's finally here. For me, that's my bachelor party, which starts in less than 12 hours. I'm still in DC waiting to go to the airport to catch my 9:50 flight to New Orleans. Most of the players are already there. 4 of them drove from New York, leaving Wednesday around 3 and arriving in NO at 1 on Thursday. 3 from Jersey flew and arrived at 1:45. Another will come in tomorrow night and the last will arrive Saturday afternoon. Did I mention that this is also NBA All-Star Weekend in NO?

Odds of getting arrested? High.
Odds of seeing numerous celebrities? High.
Odds of getting jealous of one of the NBA players for taking attention away and then making the smartest decision of my life to infiltrate the players entourage and then bitch slap that player, run away and live? Low. I'm not that stupid.

I do not feel very safe heading into this weekend. I'm not so much worried about the whole stigma that I'm going to get shot because it's All-Star weekend. I'm more afraid I'm going to get shot because I'll spend 85% of this weekend blacked out and therefore get shot for not even know why. I think that's much more likely.

What I found really surprising is that I've told a lot of people that I'm going to New Orleans for my bachelor party and they say the usual comments. When I tell them that it's also All-Star weekend, 8 out of 10 people say I'm going to get shot. This has probably been the most racist thing that I have come around in a while...and it's odd because so many people just up and say it like it doesn't mean anything. If I were to say in response to that comment, "why?" I bet each person would definitely squirm a little bit in their seat.

So, as we move further into the unknown which lies before me, it's safe to say I'm terrified. The unknown is what terrifies me the most. I've been to NO once. I was 15 years old and my cousin, who lives there, told me that when I go to NO, watch out because people don't play around there. You can get shot just for looking at someone. I was 15. This was my 35 year old cousin scaring me for life.

I'm also slightly afraid for other reasons:

1. My friends, or at least some of them, are idiots. If you've been to one of my birthday blowouts, you see that they get me black out drunk in under a hour and then push me into people as we walk down the street. Two years ago, I feel into people eating jumbo slice...like right into their laps.

2. I have a wedding in two months in which I need to have no showing bruises, no scars that don't currently exist, I must have all digits and extremities and I must be able to walk. Those are the requirements. With this requirement, I think a scale is in order.

There is no way all of my people walk away from this arrest free (though there's already been 1 run in with the police and the thing hasn't even started yet...some sort of record I'm sure), warrant free, and injury free. I've decided that with the combination of bachelor party mentality, All-Star weekend, the reckless abandon on which cash will be thrown around this weekend and the overall presence of alligators, the following are the acceptable levels of each:

Arrests have to be limited to misdemeanors of which the offending party in jail has one of those sleep it off type arrests. In fact, these are encouraged because they will be hilarious. Nothing will be more fun than walking into a police station at 10 am hammered with 9 other people to bail your friend out.

Warrants have to be local warrants. No one wants a federal warrant or anything that can come back and haunt you. I know absolutely nothing about these, so in case I'm way off, rest assured I'm making all of this up for filler.

Injuries. Injuries have their own scale.

Say I get shot. If I get shot in the foot and can't walk for three months, then this presents a major problem. Not only would I be shot, but I would have failed a major requirement for the wedding. HOWEVER, if I get shot and can recover in time to walk at the wedding, then I think we chalk it up to high comedy. Sure, it would suck to get shot, but try beating that bachelor party. Essentially, I could start the trend that if you don't get shot on your bachelor party, it's not worth it. So there are two sides to getting shot. The extreme side would be bad, but the minor side would just be good stories for the grandkids.

Say I lose part of my body to an alligator. FYI, though nothing is confirmed, this is actually a possibility. So say for some random reason it's me vs.. a gator. First of all, no matter how small the gator, the teeth will still eff you up. Ask my sister. She has three in her office closet. I'm not actually lying. She'll confirm this for you in a response I hope...and maybe a picture too? ANYWAY, me vs.. the gator. Let's call it earl. QP Live and his 20 digits and 2 ears vs.. Earl. If I don't walk away with 20 digits and 2 ears, then I have failed failed failed to qualify for the wedding. This would be worse than getting shot. Ultimately, I think it more important to have all digits and ears than to be able to walk at the wedding. So for this reason, I'm going to be trying to avoid any and all damage from a gator vs.. trying not to get shot in NO. I think that's the safest way to play this.

So that's where I'm boost mobile right now. I'll have a video camera with me, I'll have a cell phone with me and I'll a tremendous amount of liquid courage in me.

Pray for me, as I will surely think of you as I sit in a holding cell.