translation

there's been a tear in my eye for the past 2 days. I'm not sad or anything like that, it's just been there. I almost walked out of work yesterday because I've pretty much had enough of the person who irritates me the most at work, so I pretty much stopped doing anything for a period of time. I thought it was just me, but other people are sharing similar frustrations, so I felt a little better about hearing that and manned up a little.

But it got me thinking.

Yesterday, I pretty much was in one of those fuck the world type moods where it didn't fucking matter what happened around me, I just didn't give a fuck. It made me think a lot too. I've been watching season 4 of The Wire all week and on that show, life just doesn't have any meaning...that is, no meaning to the everyday associates that person might run with. It's all in the game. One day you might be there and the next you might not, but either way, you have to just do what keeps you going and let the other stuff pass.

I guess that's kind of like what work is, except in the non violent way of course...meaning, I guess you just have to do whatever you have to do to get through the day. The next day, you're going to face similar challenges, but you have to keep moving. The Wire tries to be as realistic as possible in is scripting and screen play. They have 13 and 14 year olds having a hand in the drug trade. Dudes killing each other over turf or over not following instructions the proper way...other dudes whose job it is to just murder on command...cause it's all in the game.

I guess that translates to me dealing with the short cited, immature and "professional" way that people treat you hear. Step out of line and they could suspend or fire you. Hold your tongue and you feel you're disrespecting yourself.

I'm more or less on record with the feeling that the business hierarchy is a piece of shit. Why treat the people you see the most like they are some cog in an industry that doesn't value you over the person who could catch up to your skill set with 2 weeks training? I don't see it. Additionally, I try to take the little I know from being out and about and bring it into this place.

To me, that's taking what I learned from working with people on the field and behind the scenes, like being a team captain. If you're in a position where you are responsible for people, you can't expect to lead them appropriately by force or dictation because they will not support you. They will bail on you the first chance they get, especially if you don't show them the support they are worth consistently. You can't just shit on a group for 300 days and on the 301st do something nice and expect that to carry any weight. Shit, I find that to be more insulting that 300 days of crap.

Machiavelli's thing was to ask if it was better to be feared or loved. He goes on to say feared because if they love you, they'll support you. But, when that one cocky asshole who comes in, he will eventually take you over. If they fear you, they'll do what you say out of fear and won't even dare to take you over.

But what if they fucking hate you? Then they will plot against your ass and fucking punish you the first chance they get.

In my time, I've tried to do the whole fear thing and I've tried to do the whole loved thing. What I've learned is that if they respect you, they'll work with you. If you lead by example, they will look up to you and try to follow what you do. I think I was successful with this in the past because while I could ruffle some feathers, the people who looked up to me knew they could count on me and trust me. At least I think.

That's the kind of shit I'm looking for in the people who are "superior" to me in this business style world in which we work. Don't come to me with a directive, especially if your job title has the word paralegal in it, and try to command me to do something. That won't fly. That will just piss me right off. Come at me like a fucking person, like the sensitive alias that I am and have enough respect for the people you spend 50-60 hours a week with to understand who they are and what makes them work.

Everybody has a thing. Everybody has that nerve you can easily jump on and everyone has that side you can easily appeal to. If you can't find that after spending all those hours with these people, then I feel sorry for you.

And that's why the tear is in my eye today...because I can't bring myself to hate a person who clearly is lost in a world where everything appears to be worse than it is because of an inability to understand those people constantly around.