Long Awaited Much Anticipated....

PRISON BREAK RECAP TIME!!!!!

Wow. No kickball. I feel so naked. So exposed. So little to do. What should I do?

Here's a list of things I've contemplated buying tonight with my new found free time:

Sirius satellite radio boom box for the office
HD TV
stuff crust pizza
porn - preferably midget porn for safety sake
Virginia Tech Yankees hat
duct tape, rope and whatever chemical breaks down human flesh - to get vengeance on M2SAYD for blowing up QP Live's spot on the kickball message board
Lawyer to help with previous thought

So that's about where I'm at...but do you know where Michael Scofield is?

He's in Panama...outside of Sona. What's Sona? Well:

So at the end of season 2, Michael gets put into Sona, a Panamanian jail, by the Company. The Company has some plan for him there, but we have no idea what that is. We find out from the opening credits that this season has a bunch of new faces. Joining Michael in Sona is T-Bag, Mahone and Bellick. Sucre is presumed off looking for his lady and Linc is free, trying to figure out how the hell roles just got reversed.

Moving through all of the bs, it turns out that Michael is in Sona to break this random dude James Whistler out. However, Sona is not like any other prison. Well, it's actually based on what I was told turned out to be a real scenario. Sona is patrolled on the outside by military but on the inside by El Lochero. He's a drug kingpin serving 4 life sentences. The background is that the inmates killed so many guards that they just pulled out and let the inmates run the place themselves. They have a system in place where no ones kills another without then being killed himself by Lochero. To settle a beef, you pull out a chicken leg on someone. It's exactly what it sounds like...it's a chicken leg attached to a string that you pull out in some over dramatic way. This means a 1 on 1 fight to the death. It's pretty brutal but I'm watching this show and basically finding that so long as you're not a total pussy/idiot, you can survive in that place just by not getting in anyone's way. Or at least this is what television teaches me.

So that is the basic system and like I said before, this is actually based on an actual prison I think in Mexico. My friend works in that area and told me about it but I obviously have no memory.

So while all that is going on in Sona, Sarah (Michael's load station) and LJ (Linc's kid) have been kidnapped by The Company to make sure that everyone plays ball. Due to the difficulty of breaking out of there, Michael tells Linc that it pretty much can't be done and Linc has to break out Sarah and LJ. Linc finds them but The Company escapes with the two of them. Ala "Seven", Linc gets a call from his Company contact who informs him that nothing like that will ever happen again and to be sure that he knows they are serious, to go look in the box in the basement of the hotel. Sure enough, it's a dome piece...but of who? Of Sarah. The show did a terrible job of building the suspense around that, so I felt it was only right for me to do the same.

So Sarah is dead. Linc won't tell Michael because he thinks Michael won't break out Whistler and therefore LJ will die too.

Not much happens after a few episodes until we find out that they have a plan and that they are going to make a break for it during the day. There are a bunch of holes in the plan as well as the show but they simply cover that up by getting you excited that something is going to happen after so many episodes of nothing. But it all comes down to the final 3 episodes.

In one, the plan is set, they're getting out in an hour and everyone gets ready...but then someone is killed in Sona and Whistler is the suspect. Lochero is about to kill him for doing it until Michael finds the knife that was used in Mahone's room. Of course, this happens as Mahone is being removed from the prison by the FBI (whole other story, not worth your time quite yet - long story short, to find out what he knows about The Company). Lochero thinks it's convenient that Michael comes forward as Mahone is leaving and decides Whistler is going to die...or so we think. While Lochero's men are holding Whistler, Lochero stabs one of his men instead thinking that was the killer..also, this dude smoked a cigar that Lochero thought dude stole from the big L (way too many pronouns going on here) and yada yada yada, the two douche bags look like their plan is going to work out.

Nope. The afternoon diversion they planned (soccer game) is cancelled due to the solemn mood of Lochero...This is also the time when Linc finally tells Michael about Sarah being headless. He says he loved her and this and that and it's pretty much just the worst writing ever/the reason I love this shows. It's just awful. Michael claims it's all Whistler's fault and chicken foots this mofuka. The breakout is supposed to happen at 3:13. The fight is supposed to be at 3:15. Michael gets his diversion.

The plan is to climb out of a cell, run across the yard, through a fence that has been compromised and to the beach where Linc has supplies. The run was to be possible because the guard would be unable to look in that direction due to the sun and the other guard was slipped something in his coffee by Whistler's chick whose been helping Linc. So all of this is working and Michael and Whistler get onto the yard until the clouds come out and block the sun. They get back inside before the guard notices but this means they have to go fight. They can't get the rope ladder untied before Lochero's boys find them roaming around the cells as if trying to avoid the fight, so Whistler stashes the ladder on the window sill.

Now they have to fight and one has to die. They try the whole "we settled our differences" stuff but the rules are clear that once you drop the chicken foot, you fight. So they fight like chicks until finally Whistler has had enough and is going to kill Michael with a rock to the head when.....the guard notices a ladder that has fallen out of a window. The alarms sound and the guards come in. When the guards come in, everyone kneels with their hands on their heads. One of Lochero's boys gets blamed for it and is murdered by the guards.

Now is a good time to tell you that there is something mysterious about Whistler. It's been asked all season but no one really knows. Is he Company? Is he just a fisherman like he claims? He says The Company want him to show them where he took this random dude on a fishing trip and that's why they want him out. Riiiiiiiight. So the episode ends with him talking to the chick who has been Linc's contact and we get the idea that he is in fact company.

The last episode dictates that The Company is going to take the prison by storm and get Whistler out themselves. Due to the latest escape attempt, Lochero has lost all of his respect in the prison and tells Michael that he will break both of them out of the prison. Of course, the original plan is shit now and what are they going to do. Lochero takes them (Michael and Whistler) to an underground tunnel where they can dig their way up and out..perhaps.

Michael is obviously in the dark about Whistler's plan. Whistler is supposed to kill Michael before he leaves, per the Company chick orders, but he ends up getting rid of the knife he was going to do it with...true love after all.

Anyway, Whistler pulls some sort of claustrophobia act and leaves the tunnel. When the helicopters fly overhead, Michael figures it out and runs after Whistler...who is now on the roof of a building. As a ladder drops down from the chopper and Whistler jumps on, Michael grabs a hold of him. Eventually, they both drop down to the roof from the ladder. The sirens are going again and everyone is totally fucked now. Some of the Company are dead. Lots of guards are dead...and most inmates are really confused. Whistler takes his shirt off to avoid being easily identified/show his rock hard abs...no homo. Michael also changes his shirt...into a shirt that looks exactly the same. COME ON DUDE. YOU'RE A FUCKING GENIUS AND THIS IS THE BEST YOU CAN DO? Christ.

Anyway, they get brought out and everyone is lined up on their knees with their hands on their heads. The guards come in, but it's not the same guard as usual. This guy is a little older and dressed in more of a secret ops kind of uni. They open fire on all of the inmates and kill everyone...except for Michael and Whistler. Pretty gruesome.

and totally false.

Well, the secret ops guy is true, but they don't kill anyone. The dude comes up to Michael and says that he is leaving Sona because there have been 2 escape attempts in the 2 weeks he's been there and that can't be a coincidence....and this is where our season ends, with Michael being escorted out.

Scenes from the next have you believe that Michael is simply chained up outside Sona, so we don't really know where we stand. Here's a quick rundown on where people are at this point:

Lochero is alive and losing power
T-Bag is now in Lochero's crew but clearly setting himself up for something - and he only has 1 real hand
Sucre is helping out Linc
Whistler's girl pulled a gun on Linc so he bailed on her, but now they are back plotting stuff again
LJ is still captive
The chick from the Company is now drinking because the plan didn't work and assumes she is going to be killed by her boss.
Bellick is still in Sona and no one likes him
Mahone was not viewed as a credible witness (due to a drug problem) and is on his way back to Sona

So there you have it. Prison Break fall season is over. The show is so good and yet awful due to it's terrible writing. Those writers should not be allowed to strike.

That was really long and took an hour. I hope you liked it Timmy.

Lastly, I just don't get the love thing between Michael and Sarah. They never on screen boned, they've spent a collective few days together tops...so I guess they boned...but they're just on their "honeymoon" per se. I bet they can't even poop in front of each other comfortably yet. I also bet that she still made him wear condoms. Can you trust a person that makes you do that? Honestly, can you?

I guess that had some really amazing bond built by their ability to understand the codes each other communicated in while they were separated and communicating through the media and all that good stuff.

But still, love? really? If he had never been locked up he could have been boning all sorts of random hoes and she would have been just another one. So don't give me this whole "I was rehabilitated in prison because of you" crap because it just wasn't true. She was new pussy and everyone loves that.

I apologize to the doctor for the above sentence. Obviously, I didn't mean it. I have an obligation to the readers to write stuff like this otherwise people will think I've gone soft.

What's it matter. No one has read this far down anyway.