I can't be held responsible for the things I say or write...

12.05.2007

Snow...balls

It snowed today. I woke up and the cars had this piney minty taste...I mean, I woke up and the cars had the whole frost thing going on and as I walked to the metro, it was flurrying ever so slightly. After about 30 minutes of sitting down and checking fantasy football stuff at work, I looked out the adjacent window to see it snowing for real. It was nice to look out for the rest of the day as it snowed continuously for the remainder of the day.

I got out of work at like 9 tonight and the doctor and I decided to go for a walk around the neighborhood. It turns out that I'm the least accurate person ever when it comes to throwing a snow ball. I missed every target I aimed for except two.

While walking around constantly making and throwing snowballs, all I wanted to do was peg some random person who had no idea it was coming from almost point blank range. Here's how I envision this going:

me: (throw a snowball really hard at someone at point blank range) "I got you motherfucker. HAHAHAHA....please don't kill me"

random dude/manslaughterer: (utter look of shock/split second look of fear turning to burning rage) "AHHH! What the fu...You fucking asshole"

me: "Wanna get in a snowball fight?"

manslaughterer/guy with no sense of snowball humor: "No." (proceeds to throw me into a moving car.

I would have to say that would be entirely worth it.

So as we walked down a street, we walked past an apartment with a guy and a girl sitting around the place, watching tv....I couldn't resist, so I pegged the window good and true. I felt happy because I finally made contact with something and because I knew I got their attention. As we continued to walk down the block, I kept looking back every couple of seconds to make sure there wasn't a crazed person chasing me down.

Later on, after 45 minutes of walking/throwing snowballs and not hitting anything, the doctor took some pity on me and started running ahead of me in a zig zag pattern. I light up her leg pretty damn good and now she complains of charlie horse pains. NO MERCY SNOWBALL MACHINE.

I'm like Newt LaLoosh.* Not very accurate, but crazy heat.

So that was my day in the snow. It was nice because it doesn't always snow that much here in Chocolate City. Here we are in December, in the first cold week of the year and we already have a good snowfall. Odds are, due to the inability of this area to deal with winter weather, most schools will be on delay or closed tomorrow in the area. I'm serious about this. The snow could stop falling now and there would still be delays tomorrow. This is the same city that cancelled school 2 days after a snow fall once...it's the same city that my freshman year in college got 7 inches of snow and didn't clear it off the streets for a week...not exaggerating. true story.

Tomorrow is one of my favorite work days of the year. Yes, I just wrote that. Why? Because tomorrow is the day that the building my office rents space out of throws the lobby holiday party. This goes on from 5-7 and they have a chocolate fondue station, plenty of delicious appetizers....and a bar. Wine and beer only but man it's fucking sweet. They also do an auction and give away like 10 or 15 things. 3 years ago I won a $100 gift certificate to a really nice restaurant. I haven't won since, but I did get hammered every year at it...Nice. Last year I had to go back to work after the party along with another paralegal. It was funny because she was wasted, as was the attorney we were supposed to work with. When I couldn't reach either of them by phone, I went up to their offices to find them running up and down the halls with no shoes on, double fisting red wine. Fond memories of this party I have.

I guess this is the closest my world will ever come to the office holiday party that I read about in playboy when I was 10. You know, the one where everyone gets wasted and then that other side of the tracks co worker bones the well mannered chick who is also quiet and reserved in the supply closet....or when the 65 year old female partner comes onto the youngest employee who has just been hired 2 weeks earlier only to find out the new hire is a cougar hunter and bones her on the namesake of the offices desk. you know that story? because i'd be lying if I said that kind of imagery doesn't go through my head on a minutely basis at every office party I go to.

Basically, I look around wondering, "where is she?" It's like those TV shows that keep you in suspense before informing you whose been voted off. Only my show hasn't ended yet and this person hasn't revealed herself yet. I guess we could call the show "Cougars" but that is pathetically un QP to be that uncreative. How about "Young Meets Old: Where a Vagina damaged by birthing a child swallows a young professionals boy cock". Yeah, that's a much better title. We could just call it "Boy Cock" for short, but that's pretty damn gay. We'll have to go with "Old Swallows Young." I like that a lot better.

So basically I'll be searching for this closure every holiday season at the office and I guess if it happens, I'll have to retire.

Happy Snowfall.

* Do you know who this person is?

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