Say my name biotch

So I've been advocating traveling by train these past few weeks. Honestly, it's the easiest way to travel. No security lines, you don't have to check bags unless you want to and there are not traffic jams to deal with. I think I'm completely sold now because I just called up Amtrak to check on my sister's train and was greeted by an automated teller named Julie.

They named their automated teller. And they gave her a normal name like Julie. That's like naming your dog Rich. What's that all about? I named my snake (pet not trouser) Doyle because I wanted him to have a name that wasn't quite common but could still pass as a name that someone wouldn't mind having. To me, this gave him a sense of uniqueness. But Julie? Come on.

I've always changed around my friends names to give them random names that are not obscure in anyway, but rather just a name that any other person could have that I'm using to identify someone I know in a way that no one else around me would understand. My earliest example is my friend Alex, who I generally call Brent. His middle name is Brent and most of his family calls him that, so one day it just started coming out. It was fun a lacrosse practice when people would ask me who I was talking about and why do I have a random name for someone when everyone else knows that person as something different.

Then there was Frank. His real name was Ramien (rah-mean) but one day at soccer practice I decided his name was Frank. For some reason, the soccer league we played in during high school declared that saying "I got it" was unsportsmanlike, so we would have to say our name and then ball to alert our teammates who was going to make a play on the ball. For example, "QP Live's ball (bitches)". So one day at practice good old Frank goes up for a header and declares, "Ramien's ball". Well Ramien's ball sounded funny to me and since he was a sophomore and I was a mighty senior who was also captain, I picked up the ball and stopped practice for a second. I declared that Ramien's ball wasn't going to fly and that he needed a new name and that name was Frank. Not really sure why Frank was that new name but it was. Many people could get upset at me for what could be perceived as an affront on an innocent kid with an international background, but not Frank. Frank fucking rolled with the name. From then on, at soccer practice, he referred to himself as Frank as did the coaches and the rest of the players.

Of course, name changes didn't always get taken as well as Frank took to it. There was this time when I was a camp counselor you see. I was only a sophomore in high school and I was pretty much a fucking moron...more so than now. I started to give all of the kids nicknames and I decided one kid would be Stephanie because the camper looked like my friends sister Stephanie. Well this kid didn't like it too much, either because he was a boy and didn't want to go by a girls name or because the kid was a fucking psycho and needed the slightest push to flip the fuck out. So he flipped the fuck out. Anyone who knows me knows that I like to throw dry leaves on fires, so naturally I pushed and prodded this kid for most of the summer. Most of the time, it was subconsciously too. I really didn't even realize I was doing it most of the time.

So good old Stephanie and I had a few show downs over the summer. One ended in him biting my hand just before the end of the day. I went home and he went to the head counselors. I was told that it wasn't the best situation but I had nothing to worry about because the kid bit me in response to seemingly nothing. I think I blocked his shot in basketball or something. Anyway, round 2 was the decisive round. We were doing something random near the end of the day and I think he threw a rock at my head. Because, as mentioned above, of my moronic nature, I decided I was going to kill this kid. Fortunately my sister was there and cut me off and used her nails of death to make me realize that wrecking a 9 year old was not the smartest move but at this point, the damage was done. Later that day I was told by the bosses that I would get the next 2 days off to rest my foot (I had a broken foot at the time) while the kid finished his last 2 days of camp. What a swell time I'm sure he had.

That was the second time my sister got in the way of my battles. Another time I crashed my parents car for the 2nd or 3rd time in what seemed like 5 minutes but was really 1 month. My buddy Kornfeld came over to the house and called me a fucking moron and told me I shouldn't be driving. I thought that was really considerate of him since he came to my house 30 seconds after I had gotten off the phone with my dad who had pretty much told me not only was I not driving again but I was also being castrated so his grandchildren didn't inherit my stupidity. Anyway, Kornfeld comes in all high and mighty so I try to kick him out of my house. He felt naturally rejected and said a bunch of shit. So I threw a citronella candle at him....one of those big ones that are like 5 pounds.

So Kornfeld used to be a lot bigger than he is now. But I never saw his as intimidating until he took the candle off the back shoulder, turned and charged. Thank God my sister stepped in front of him when she did and then locked me in the house. I would not have won. Kornfeld and I still laugh about that to this day but he still reminds me I was a bitch for throwing the candle at his back. I can't deny it was the wrong move but I will deny that it wasn't hilarious to me then and now.

But there is always my man and your Charles Jamal Bach. Of course the kids real name is John Christopher Bach, but he goes by Chris. One day I up and started calling him Charles and it pretty much stuck.

Then there is Otis. His name is David. Thanks to dangerous hall game, he got the name Otis as a way of distracting him when dominate said hall game.

There are probably a lot others but I have to be productive now...