It turns out weddings are fun....

A game. That's what was brought this labor day weekend. The A game of everyone involved in the debauchery that was this past weekend in Pittsburgh (PA) for Andy and Lauren Wurtzel's wedding. The wedding was Sunday evening and everyone arrived on Saturday afternoon...naturally, the theme of the weekend was alcohol....and it was amazing.

Saturday there was a rehearsal dinner for 150 people that started at 6 or 7...I'm not really sure because the first drink that I had at the dinner I had to put down because I was already too drunk. While in this state, Chaz and I decided to play a game called "I'm going to try and go all weekend without talking to the bride". The only rule is you don't talk to the bride. I won. I made it about 2 hours. Since there are no rules, I used Chaz's man bitch, John, to get Lauren to come up to their table and say hello. However, this took a little longer than I had expected, so there were some close calls. First of which was as I was coming back from the buffet table and the bride was at my seat talking to the doctor. I decided I might have to bite the bullet here, but as fate would have it, she walked away immediately as I approached...as if she was rooting for me. She came back a few minutes to keep talking to the doctor, so I jumped up and walked away. I went over to Chaz to brag about my skills when she arrives at his table. I deftly walk away and John sets up Chaz and victory is mine.

Due to the amazing joy this game gave us, we then made a new game of who could talk to the bride the fewest. He won 5-3 as my alcohol intake got the best of me on Sunday night at the ceremony and I put in some serious face time. I really enjoyed seeing her and ending every encounter with, "Please, for me, go give Chaz a hug and say hi." She kept asking why and there really is no response that is appropriate, so I just smiled. 2 of my encounters with the bride happened with Chaz right next to me, so she would speak to both of us and as she said hello, we'd say what number encounter it was. She would look at us confused and we would look at each other like we were bad people.

So this wedding was awesome. After the rehearsal dinner we found a bar near our hotel that had $1 pitchers until midnight and always served $1 Yuenglings. Shit show it was. Everyone got hammered off of this. The next morning we all woke up like, "I think I got too drunk last night. Let's go to brunch and get drink some more." So people went their various was and I went out to accomplish the one goal I set for myself: To find the famed "Rothlesburger". What is a "Rothlesburger"? Not the Steelers quarterback but in fact a 1/3 pound hamburger with Ranch dressing, BBQ sauce, bacon, chedder cheese and provolone cheese. A "Big Ben" has an extra 1/3 pound burger. Amazing.

A few things to say about Pittsburgh (PA) before this goes any further:

1. There is nothing to do in this city
2. The people are very friendly
3. All of the bridges are yellow
4. There is nothing to do in this city

So at brunch (which I passed on in hopes of a Rothlesburger - note I gave in and got a Yinnzy, which is a steak and cheese Pittsburgh (PA) style) we asked the server where I could find a Rothlesburger. She had never heard of it and it turned out that the 10 people we asked throughout the day really didn't know anything about it either. And it turns out that people don't seem to like Big Ben all that much either...oh well.

We were told we should try this deli in the "Strip District". NOTE: This was not named as such because it has strip clubs. In fact, it looked like it had been stripped of any reason anyone would ever want to go to that area. So after some extremely reckless but amazingly fun driving, we actually found the place. However, since Pittsburgh (PA) is as such as it is (READ: Sucks a crackheads crack dick) it was closed. However, we did get a picture, which I can share with you.

Sorry about the quality as I only have a camera phone. There was also 1 ray of sun that got in the photo, thus the line at the top of the photo.

But since we had found our sandwich and saw it was unattainable, we set out on mission 2: get a yuengling.

We achieved that goal immediately. Then we went looking for the 2 stadiums pittsburgh (PA) has to offer. At this point, I should let you know that my car had myself, Jeff Dritz, Chaz, John and Andrew in it. It was an all around quality car. As we looked for the stadiums, literally by weaving through this excuse for a city, we would see the various bridges the city has to offer, which is a whole bunch. Each time we would see one, John would say "that bridge is yellow". He said it about 100 times, funnier each time.

So after 30 seconds, we knew how to find the stadiums and drive to and around them we did. Then we decided it was time to go back to the hotel. However, as the driver, I decided we didn't need directions, we could figure it out on our own since the city is pretty small - it makes DC look like Alaska.

So as we drove, I just kind of turned when I wanted to. This got us to a place we knew was on our way, but wasn't necessarily meant for us to be driving in...for 2 reasons:

1. We were later told this hilly ghetto area we drove through was the worst ghetto in Pittsburgh (PA). We drove through most of this until a quick decision to get the hell out of there was made and off we went.

2. We found ourselves in an area we thought would get us back to the hotel...but there was a no left turn sign...but there was a lane we could drive in. So we obviously made the left, only to later find out that this lane was only for buses. After 2 miles of driving in this lane and fortunately not seeing any cops or buses, we find ourselves 3 blocks from the hotel and home safe.

It was the most fun I've had in a long time. Lots of joking around, lots of driving like it was a video game and lots of all around fun.

So we relaxed for 30 minutes, then went to the bar for 2 rounds and then got ready for the wedding. We spent the time at the ceremony before it started trying to determine if we were on the groom's side or bride's side. Half of the DC contingent went right and the other left. Left was groom side and that's where the luck would have it we were.

Ceremony started. Ceremony ended. Bar opened.

So we started drinking. Saphires and tonic for me. As more were consumed, I went to the bar pretty drunk with Shelly, Thomas Shields' future pregnant live in girlfriend. We decided the blue bottle probably was something we should drink out of and so we asked the bartender to make us something with it. It was Hypnotic, so we drank Hypnotic martinis. They were gross, just check it out. mmmmmm. TASTY.

So we were hammered, but pretty well behaved. We drank until about 1 and then it was time to got back to the hotel and the school bus that was used to shuttle everyone. We were the last group, but the bus was packed and the bridge was on the bus. Naturally, it was time to start singing school bus songs. The one with the most staying power was, "The bride is on the bus. the bride is on the bus. Hi Ho the dairy-O the bride is on the bus". The bus ride was about 10-15 minutes and we chanted this for about 10 of those 15 minutes. The other 5 were Steve McDermott yelling "PITTSBURGH" and everyone else yelling "PA". Hence Pittsburgh (PA)...as if you couldn't put that together at this point.

I was in the back of the bus and sat on the top of the seat the entire time, with an arm out of the window banging on the top of the bus as hard as possible with the cadence of the songs we were singing. Then, once we arrived, it was time to make the quick escape out of the emergency exit of the bus...good times.

The hotel bar was closed, so we decided to just hang around the hotel. It was close to 2 am and we were all hammered. There was some old school hanging out going on. I didn't want to partake, but I took one for the team and toweled the door.... Sorry for the lack of clarity but the picture is dark for reasons unknown. But if it's not clear, that's me being the human towel for the door.

The other zany thing that happened was when Chris Bach made me bleed my own blood. So we were hammered and there is a weight room right outside the elevators on our floor. So while waiting for the elevator, I ran into the gym, ripped my shirt off and started lifting light dumbbell weights really intensely as the doctor and bach watched through the huge glass windows. As the elevator arrived, I ran out to the door and tried to get my shirt back on. Bach took this opportunity and smacked me harder than anyone has every smacked me before right on my rib cage. I went numb with pain and didn't even debate revenge due to the shock of the impact. Here's the immediately after photo:



It hurt at the time but not this morning at all. I chose this photo because you can see that his hand hit me and slid along my skin for a little bit. It's a huge hand print. This morning we got another look at it:



I like this one for 2 reasons:

1. You can see the skin folds on the palm of his hand.

2. You can see hair on my nipple. Go ahead, take another look. That's that sexy nipple hair the ladies are always raving about. tell your friends boys and girls. QP Live is all about the nipple hair...even got some on the other one. Don't believe me, break into my apartment when I'm asleep and check it out.

So that was our weekend. It was great. Now, time for some awards:

1. Not so much an award, but a new title. Lauren Balog is now officially a saint. Saint Balog is how she is now referred to as. When you see this girl, please address her as such. Why a Saint? This girl, aside from living with me and brody for 2+ years drove from DC to Pittsburgh (PA) with Chaz, John and Andrew. Then she shared a room with them...then she went to $1 pitcher night and put up with all of the abuse that comes from hanging out with drunk assholes on $1 pitcher night. Saint Balog. Recognize bitches.

2. MOP - Most Outstanding Performance has to got to Chaz. Between shacking me at 2:45 on Sunday morning trying to wake me up instead of letting me pass out, playing the avoiding the bride game, sprinting out onto the dance floor for the horah dance with a chair to raise the bride on and all around positive supporter, Chaz gets my MOP.

3. Best open hand slap: Chris Bach. Phenomenal job Chris.

4. Best dressed (of those not in the wedding party) - yeah, like I'm gonna put this down here. You see me in the picture above. No, not the one with Saint Balog. the one with nipple hair. Clearly, anyone with that going for them is default the best dressed, even if the outfit is made of used floss.

So this is the end of my novel. I hope you enjoyed it. Get yourself to a wedding...turns out they are fun, even in pittsburgh (PA)