I can't be held responsible for the things I say or write...


Sports Media Overkill

I'm getting pretty tired of the typical sports writer. I'm also getting pretty tired of the typical sports fan.

Let me just state that I will be one of the happiest people in America if the Giants win this weekend...I love the team and I've always been a fan and supporter of Eli. I grew up watching Giant football, meaning pound the ball on the ground with Joe Morris, Otis Anderson and Rodney Hampton. I know the feelings of winning the super bowl (wide right wide right) and the feelings of losing that game...well, I guess I should say I know them as a fan. But until these past two weeks, I never quite understood the media frenzy that is the two week build up before the big game.

I'm aware that common stories get written about over and over again and beaten to death. I wasn't aware that every sportswriter comes out of the woodwork to declare themselves as experts on the teams in the Super Bowl. Just look at what the positive coverage of the Giants is causing. People actually believe that the Giants can win this game. If the Giants win this game, it is the biggest upset in Super Bowl history. At no point has any team stopped the Patriots this season when they had to...not only that, the Patriots have never really had to throw that touchdown on 4th down to save the perfect season. They just beat you down. You might get them to punt 2 times a game but you will not get that in the 4th quarter. Maybe it happened in the Ravens game, but thanks to all the phantom penalties on 4th down (and some legit ones) the Patriots did what they do and make the team pay.

Everyone makes a big deal that the Giants were up 12 points in the second half and lost...they almost had the game won. Teams who only score 12 points in a half lose games. It doesn't make any sense that the Giants would hold the Patriots down for the entire half. Then you have the stories about how the Giants only lost by 3...but no reference to the fact that the giants were down 10 with close to a minute to go. All of these facts are just thrown aside.

Let me say again, that I am a Giants fan and am rooting whole-heartedly for them in the Super Bowl. The last few sentences were probably considered kind of negative to some but I consider them realistic. The Giants are a 10-6 team who played mostly teams under .500 all season long. Tampa was not that great of a team, Dallas was (but faltering late) and no one can say anything bad about what the Giants did in Green Bay (except for Senor Pickles). The Giants are hot. They've won 10 in a row on the road (a record). They've been called the new America's team by some. Fanfare is high. Attention is all around...but people seem to forget something:


Joe Namath predicted the Jets would beat the Baltimore Colts back in Super Bowl I (Yes, it was Super Bowl I. The first two were called "Championship Games"). He became a legend when he followed through on that prediction. To the best of my knowledge, no one gave him any chance to actually follow through on that prediction. The only difference now should be the Eli has not made such a dumb statement...but people are calling for the upset.

It would be great. It would be nice to hold something over the Massholes who have recently had a lot to brag about over NY. It'd also be nice because my team would have won the Super Bowl, thus justifying the purchase of a 42" Plasma I just bought to watch the game.

But I have to be realistic...and so should the sports media and fans. SportsNation (espn.com's interactive voting page) has the Patriots at less than 60% of the total votes of those predicting they win. That's just ludicrous. The people voting in that much mass for the Giants must be reading all of these stories about how the Giants are just the right team to bring down the Patriots and how Tom Brady's ankle really is hurt. Come on people. You have to realize that the people writing these stories are the people that have looked past the Giants all year when they had a chance to write about them, the same people that thought the Giants would be 4-12 this season, the same people that criticized them all season long...and now they're writing these feel good stories about the opportunity and the likelihood of victory this Sunday.

As a Giants fan, it makes me sick for one sole reason: These are likely the same people to write the "I told you so" stories when the Giants lose. The same people who just write whatever they are told to write or they can put together by a deadline. They are just filling a void with some bullshit that apparently people are buying into.

So for you, sportswriter, stop. cease and desist.

And for you typical sports fan, stop believing the hype. A Giants victory this Sunday would be a miracle for millions to witness. People should be rooting for the Giants, even if you hate NY. There is no reason to root for the Patriots unless you are a Patriots fan. Who roots for a team like that over an underdog like the Giants? It's like if people root for the Yankees when they play against the Marlins or Padres in the World Series. Unless you are a fan of them, can you really, honestly not put your hatred aside for the underdog and root against the top dog?

Basically, all of my feelings stem from outside of the last two weeks of the Giants being stroked by every sportswriter out there. It's pretty much the same reason I'm thrown off by you, average sports fan.

It's all about the perception. If it's written a certain way, that's the way it will be read by the vast majority. That's a large reason I stay away from politics...why bother when you know you can't trust what's being written.

SO, why care that baseball players have used steroids when you watch, read and love football? Steroids in baseball has been in the news the past 5 years at least and people have been up in arms and outraged by the players that would do such a terrible thing. Dragged in front of congress, media surrounding them, story after story about how they have soiled the national pastime, something the game may never recover from, think of the children, and on and on. Please. Motherfuck you if you feel any of this...and motherfuck you if you were a baseball fan but are outraged by the results of the BALCO investigation or the Mitchell Report. If you have a problem with Clemens or Bonds, I'll give you a little more leniency because they should just come out and admit it and take it on the chin like a fuck up, because that's what they did. They fucked up.

But you know who doesn't have to deal with any of the scrutiny? Who doesn't have story after story written about their abuse? Who doesn't have to deal with Congressional subpoenas, espn.com headlines and the fate of American children:

Football players.

My tie in didn't really work all that well, but I'm only adding this so that people will know I've crying about it. It doesn't really get mentioned all that much and it needs to be out there.

NFL Runner-up for defensive player of the year last year: Shawn Merriman...who spent 4 games on suspension thanks to steroids. His teammate, Luis Castillo failed a steroid test at the NFL combine. Rodney Harrison, New England's hard hitting, loud mouthed safety with game changing plays week in week out...suspended 4 games for HGH. These are not just your everyday players in the NFL. These are anchors of Super Bowl teams and championship game teams. Castillo made headlines for saying if he ever failed another steroid test that he would give his entire signing bonus back if he failed another test...he said he took them to recover for the NFL combine.

To me, it sounds like if you feel compelled to take an illegal substance to get ready to play in a paid football league, then that might send a pretty bad message to the kids...instead, we praise him for stepping up and admitting it. Do we do that with everyone who admits when they've cheated or lied or done other things wrong? I'm pretty sure that's not the way the world works....but that is how it is reported in this case, so we forget.

Shawn Merriman fails a steroids test after putting up insanely dominant numbers, seemingly directed related to his steroid use...Pro Bowl, congratulations.

Rodney Harrison makes big play after big play and we praise him for his game changing abilities and his hard hitting...but we don't care that he has recently come off a 4 game suspension for a failed HGH test. The dude missed the first 4 games of this season because of the failed test and all we heard about was "how good will the Patriots be when they get Rodney Harrison back."....back from where assholes?

We read these stories about football players who carry their team, are inspirations to communities, who are all this and all that, but we hear not shit about their steroid abuse.

In contrast, we see these fading stars who are past their primes and we find out that they are guilty in one way or another of cheating through chemicals....and then we read all about. We read about Miguel Tejada's impending case before the justice department for lying during an investigation. No one has heard from Mark McGuire or Rafael Palmiero since they were so coldly dismissed as talented ball players. When we hear the name McGuire, we think of steroids and hall of fame snub. When we hear about Palmiero, we remember the Congressional hearing where he said he never used steroids only to later fail a test and be black balled. We don't hear about the feel good story of Sammy Sosa and Mark McGuire saving baseball with their home run chase...presumably because it was all brought on by steroids....so why do we hear about the talent of Merriman, Harrison and Castillo? Why the contrast?

So as more and more people further down the road fail these tests and as baseball players and personnel are dragged in front of Congress while NFL players take in all the Pro Bowl festivities, remember that I'm saying this now and hopefully keep some sort of memory in the back of your mind about the reporting of these similar entities in entirely different ways...

And root for the Giants.


We did it!

The Giants are going to the Super Bowl! As improbable as that sounds, we should have all seen this coming:

And I bet a bunch of you have already seen this in the past few days and for those that haven't, I'm sure most of you saw this when you were little.


As Chad as I want to be

Cause that's who I am and that's who I care about.

Perhaps it's time to shine a little more light on the Untold Story:

Around the time that QP came to understand all that it takes to be a nation, he needed some help. He learned early on that he could lean on Sherman H. Live. Now Sherman was always a stand up guy. Nothing too outlandish about him, at least not anything too noticable. So together, QP and Sherman forged ahead to form what could only be described as "a terrible high school garage band". Not because either was all that good at music. Considering the literacy problem between the two of them, it was amazing they could spell their own names. In fact, that was one of their favorite hobbies...spelling things they saw. "C-a-t-a-p-i-l-l-e-r" one would say while the other would say "o-n-a-m-o-n-a-p-e-a".

Neither was all that bright and both were about the least radtastic (there you go Joe) two people could ever be.

But as time went on, they came into their own and developed a certain Chad about them. The Testington they built between each other was quite strong and many outsiders tended to get drawn in by their Chadness.

Of course, this is where our happy duo started their split that so many often come by. As QP rolled down the hill only to run back up only to get pushed back down by Flava Flav/Question Mark suit guy child, Sherman started hanging out with the more totally fucking gothic dude kind of crew...only they weren't gothic at all. They were just ridiculously skinny kids with equally ridiculously dark hair and tight close. It was simple to see that the rift was forming between the two.

years went by without a doubt. while QP was blowing up, Sherman was airing out. It was sad to see what happened as time went on. QP rolled with the flow as Sherman became the deadbeat cousin that he is today.

It was a shame the Chad Testingness got between them. It's a dangerous thing to be Chad. Some can't handle it. Others roll nicely with it.

Well, at 12:04 am hits the computer and the lights at work flicker, it's time for me to go home as the doctor is picking me up.

Giggidy Giggidy. Giggidy Goo.


Adios mis compadres

bring us your hate that you cannot dispose of. bring us your vices that you cannot separate yourself from. bring us your fat cousin you can't the smell out of your nose from. bring us your sad, your dyslexic, your angered, your diabetic.

bring us those that you wish you could rid yourself us. no one likes someone who is too different to blend in. everyone makes fun of the people on the short bus, especially those who found out what a short bus was 4 years ago.

bring all of this together.

take all of this hate in, swirl it around in a bucket. then take that bucket to your friends house and combine buckets. likely, you'll have to stop at something like the container store to get a bucket big enough to hold both buckets worth of hate. slap bach's flava flav/question mark suit guy illegitimate kid on the way out.

now take all that hate and throw it off a fucking cliff.

i'm putting an end to player hate in '08. matter of fact, fuck player hate in '08. i'm so not player hating in '08(ing) that i'm hating the hate out of the player hating.

i'm just too angry in player hate in '08.

now some of you have probably said, "but i thought we were 'procreate in '08' or 'change your gait in '08'". well, we are, only even more officially right now.

and all of you are no doubt wondering what the hell was going on with the first few paragraphs of this bitch. well, i don't so much know either. all i know is i'm pretty sure it's almost time to crack...why?

well, when i don't see any of you for the next 2 months, it's not that i'm wishing to never see any of you again and it's certainly not because i have new cool friends. simply put, i'm just busier now that i have ever been. how busy? i'm glad you asked...like over 40 hours of OT busy...as of Wednesday. After tomorrow night, I'll be at about 48 hours of OT going into the first Friday of the pay period.

so that's about 15 more hours of ot that i have ever worked in 2 weeks that i did in 5 days (saturday and sunday included). it's that time of the year, so i must bid you all a fond farewell.

i don't know how often you will see me, hear me or read me. just remember, a nation cannot prosper without contributions from its people. So I put it on yous guys to make that happen. While I'm sitting at a desk, on a computer that has blocked any remotely fun outlets i could have, wishing to God I could be passed out face down in a puddle like all those happy homeless guys we see in DC, I need you guys to send me reminders about the radtasticness that is your free time.

But I need more than that. I need stories of nonsense. I need to know that there are people out there willing to step up for the greater good of the nation. Are you willing to take this challenge? Can you offer your services so that others may prosper? Are we all just as confused with this paragraph as with the first 2?

It's not my job to determine this. It's my job to sit in a room full of boxes as tall as I, eat dinner out of a plastic container every night, order lunch the night before because there is no time to go out during the day...and i'm pretty sure it's someone's job to do the remaining wedding planning with the doctor. So someone get on that because the 2 years i had leading up didn't so much matter all that much.

So vaya con dios mis amigos.

and when you do your chick, make her call you QP, just for me?

Except for you Ian. That would just be wrong. However, since you asked, your nickname can be Sister Fucker. Sure, it's tough that I have to deal with that, but you will have 2 kids I can call you that around and I'm pretty sure no one will really permit that to happen, so, well, go far and prosper Sister Fucker.

I feel wrong after that.

I feel better now.

I'm an emotional guy.

Lastly, someone please please please please please get on with the procreating in '08(ing)....and change that gait yo.


. . . in '08

Today, I'm going with "Procreate in '08" because I think this is a good conversation topic. Not so much because we are all getting a little older, a little more married and into the slightly more appropriate age in which babies are socially OK, but more because I think we're all entering the "Oh God, I got this random girl pregnant."

That would be pretty funny. It's practically expected that two pump charlie will knock up a girl he meets at some random event. I'm not sure that would really be all that entertaining considering I spend most of my time with him trying to send him brain messages about how this should happen. Since the 4 stools morphed into a group of monotonous guys (no homo, the stools are more or less all spoken for is what i meant), it wouldn't be the top of the class random pregnancy group we're looking for. Though, for a kid who spends all his time with his boys declaring he doesn't have a girl friend, it'd be really funny of his bad influence popped out a one pump charlie and the 3 pumps spent the holidays together from here on out. Yeah, I think that would change Sunday Fundays at Adams Mill.

But I'm calling it here on this second day of Procreate in '08. I'm calling that someone out there connected to the QP Live experience will, in fact, turn up prego. And married people don't so much count...well, married people with children already, who say, live in Oregon, don't count here. Anyone married under a year counts. Anyone married more than 2 years but claims they don't want children count.

But I'm still not thinking about it this way. I'm thinking about it more like, one of the doctor's friends. That'd be great. They'd all get together and freak out a little and I'd go over and laugh really really hard. Then when the kid came out, I'd do my best to ensure that the kid grows up to love me and annoy its parents. Cause that's something I'd be good at. Cause a stir and then let someone else deal with it. Sounds like a good profession for me.

If I had to guess, I'd have to put the Otis around the top. I'm a little nervous about this though because he might already have a kid and just not have told anyone about it yet...cause he's capable of that.

Then there's your favorite and mine, Charles "Mister Pickles" Bach, who no doubt will show up to my wedding with a kid, be it his own, an adopted kid or the kid of some 36 year old cocktail waitress who left the kid in his possession and took off with Snake from the Simpsons on a crime spree not yet finished. Mister Pickles is the kind of guy who would take the kid in under the guise of keeping it safe only to raise the kid up to be a combination of Flava Flav, the Question Mark Suit guy and waldo....and there' no doubt this kid would be the future of freestyle walking.

I'm just putting it out there now, on the second day of the year. When you see one of your boys (or girls) leaving the bar, party, anything, with someone of babying making capabilities, remind them that it's Procreate in '08 and if they're not trying to improving my enjoyment of life by ruining their own, well, then they're just not a faithful member of the QP Live Nation.


Eff you Steve

The big old EFFF YOUUUUU goes to Steve's Bar Room. This was our destination for new years 2 ot 8 ("Player Hate in '08" or "Change Your Gait in '08" or pretty much some many awesome things yet determined).

But Steve's Bar Room it was for $75 "open bar" all you can drink...only:

1. Rail drinks only
2. No beers included
3. Only one of the bars (the place had a total of 2) were open to the "open bar" deal
4. Champagne was only free until midnight
5. Poor showing by the bartenders

So we get into this potentially rad place.

Let's start over.

New Years for this guy started at work. Great. I roll out around 4, go home, get ready and off to dinner the doctor and I go to meet some friends around 7. Our awesome drink deal doesn't start until 10, so when most people don't show up to dinner until 8, we don't really mind at all. I started to mind at 9:45 when we had, at that point, been waiting for the check for 20 minutes.

So we end up in line for Steve's Bar Room at 10:15 and are inside and ordering our first drink by 10:30. I was way too sober for this environment. It's bass thumping, shitty tatoo having club scene to the nth degree, but I'm like "just get a drink and stand in the corner and all will be well."

Me: "Can I get a Grey Goose and Tonic?"
Bartender: "Rail drinks only"

It was Zelko vodka. I hadn't drank Zelko since freshman year when the Otis and I were walking down F Street and he offered me a sip of his vodka out of the plastic bottle and I almost booted it back up. So after half of this drink, I go to the back bar and order champagne. The bartender tells me the back bar is not for the all you can drink special but is kind enough to acquiesce this one time.

Since it's a wanna be club, I decide it's wanna be baller time after I finish my Zelko and Champagne. I head back to the front bar and ask for a full bottle of champagne...he tells me "You have to tip a little better than that." So I give him a $5 tip on top of the $150 I already paid to get in this shitty bar (like the gentleman I am, I bought the Doctor's ticket) and the $108 I got to spend on dinner. So as I near the $300 new years expense, I'm in a pretty good mood.

But now it's hand out time because I have my own bottle, right? Wrong. Stingy is a good way to describe my generosity. So after a bottle of champagne and a couple of other drinks, things are starting to get better. More of our friends have arrived and things become more fun.

At this point, it's 11:40 and the DJ makes the announcement that champagne is no longer free at midnight and you get a free copy of his shitty cd on the way out...NICE.

So I head to the bar with the Doctor, figuring it'd be easier to for her to get service. Armed with $10, we aim to get 2 bottles of champagne. The parents mistake that this guy was, he tells her that he can't just give out bottles to people. She shows him the $10, takes it, hands out 1 bottle and walks away. NICE.

So we head back to the group with this new bottle and sense of wanting to drown all employees, except the 6'4 bouncer, who was

A) the largest person at the bar by 50 pounds and
B) standing in the most narrow part of the bar all night.

Midnight comes, songs are sang, music is played, drinks are drunk and the place starts to clear out a little. I then engage one of my friends in conversation only to have some employee with haircut that can only be described as attack of the flowbee (he had bushy hair, but in the middle had pushed up what i guess could be called a really bad mohawk...i'd never seen anything like it and can't describe it for the life of me) come over and ask us if everything is OK and that no one is fighting here. I reiterate that to him by saying I'm talking to my friend and he should go away...or kick Topshelf out because Topshelf was hammered and fell over twice previous.

So that was just like a little nightcap. We left around 1:30 I think, nothing too special...Though, on the way out we did see a girl fall while walking towards a cab. That was pretty funny. I looked to my right and saw a girl walking and then she just up and disappeared. You can't write that any better than it was.

So that was my waste of all my money new years. I'm pretty sure that anywhere in DC would have been a rip off for all you can drink but I can only hope they would have advertised it a lot better. The only thing they did tell us ahead of time was champagne stopped at midnight. If you say open bar, you better fucking tell someone that it's rail drinks only. I've never felt more scammed in my life. This place was feeding off of fucking people over.

The bar itself was set up all fucked up too. You walk in and you're in a room the size of an average living room. If you walk around the back for awhile, you find another lounge with the 2nd bar. That's where we were all night. If these people were smart instead of just dicks, they would knock down the walls between the two rooms and have a huge open area that would be a perfect set up for a club or bar. 1 gigantic room is much better than two bedrooms with the worlds most unnecessary wall of all time.

I'd apologize for the negative post, but shit, player hate in '08 mofukas.