a picture says it all...

i've been away for awhile now...and it's not the first time i've made this comment. but i think it's important to be honest with you because when all is said and done, this is nothing more than my inner monologue...that can't be how that word is spelled, but if i spell check this, then this last sentence is not going to make any sense...

currently i'm watching "america's got talent" on nbc. this show has a good setup becuase it goes as follows:

1. cool or quality act
2. freak show
3. decent act
4. repeat

there was a guy who was trying to legitimize snapping your fingers as an instrument. seriously, he said that would be freak show.

also, fox counters with "so you think you can dance" and it's essentially like the television show of the movie "you got served"...only you got served would serve so you think you can dance.

this is me with free time. i'm not working overtime this week in an effort to spend some time with the french girlfriend while she is on vacation...and we watch such quality programs as the shows listed above.

but i found this picture of the dog and frankly, that's freakin awesome.

and i just remembered to spell check, so go me

Why say no...

When it feels so good to say yes to...

cotton candy, free drinks, coca cola, sports, more sports, espn, sports, soda, popcorn, marcaroni and cheese, football, futbol, fanta uva, long distance telephone calls that make you want to rip your eyes out, having to wait at work for 6 more minutes and leaving one last post before you head to boston, contemplating if a carbomb is really what you need before you get on the metro, sprint to your apartment and get in the car and get to bwi in time for your flight, wondering what you will do if your tournament is cancelled due to rain and you are an 8 hour drive from home and your plane ticket doesn't depart until 10 pm the following night, find a good puddle to gently place a piece of merc in, has the joke gotten old yet because i can/never will tell, did i mention sports?, find a hole, greg sanda's version of peeing in public, take notes on everything you do so that when you do it it can be the complete opposite of the way everyone else has done it before you and then you are free to go in anywhichway you desire, up, down, left, right, too high, too far, too deep, too gone and this is the result of a friday not too stressful just with enough on the plate to keep you teetering to and from sanity as 4 minutes have passed and the stream of consciousness is starting to fade and you have 3 minutes to go until you run out of the office but be sure this time to look both ways because last time was a gift from God and maybe a life lesson all wrapped in one...maybe perhaps i don't know, but looking at the conjoined twins from the neck down as i type this post in a minimized window can put some odd thoughts in your head like, "man am i glad i'm not a conjoined twin" and "where have all the vampires gone" anyone remeber that song? what if God was one of us? wow, two references to Dios in one post and are your freaked out yet because i'm going to boston, be back on monday, have a nice week and someone say hi to my mom who now has the link to this blog.

not crazy, just going home.

This is awesome

I was trying to find a good picture about USA Soccer today and I found this:




And then I thought to myself that youth soccer associations really are all about the children...how else can you explain that they specially made a jersey for these conjoined twins? That's the true spirit of soccer. Anyone can play...except for the upper middle class, because America just isn't that good at soccer on the international level. But anyone in every other country around the world can play soccer no matter their socio-economic status. it's a shame that the upper middle class is banished to only being able to play soccer in america...it really is.

but we're getting distracted. CONJOINED TWINS...on my blog! man, this is a great day. granted this day started with me dropping my cell phone and then having to attempt to pick it up 5 times before i finally got it and then getting to work only to drop the cup i was trying to pick up behind the coffee machine. and then when i went to pick that up i knocked over some straws...but hell, it's practically worth it for the conjoined twins picture.

that's all...please don't tell me the score of the USA v. Ghana game because I'm trying to watch it when I get home.

so this is pretty awesome

the howard stern show has made it to streaming on sirius.com....AWESOME.

so most days i sit here quietly at my desk looking for anything to pass the time and now i have it. i do a lot of mindless work sitting at my desk, so it's kind of nice to sit here and do work while there is a conversation with a dominatrix going on telling about how she thought she killed a guy when she put bengay on the a toothpick and put that in the tip of his....well, you can guess.

or when they talk about what people will do to win a 50 inch plasma tv...and that's almost anything.

but i have never really listened to an entire show before this week and it's kind of amazing how they can talk for so long about almost nothing...or if they need something to talk about they have things like the fart olympics, which was disgusting, or they play music from the eighties and other one hit wonders...it was awesome.

so that's where i'm at right about now. last night was a softball night and that was fun because we won and i hit a couple homers, daryl strawberry on the simpsons style...sweet.

and i'm hung over, so i have to figure out how i'm going to make it through the entire day.

Nothing much has happened to me recently...

Except for the figurative vasectomy

Many have heard this by now, but not everyone. I was at the Nationals vs. Yankees games on both Friday and Sunday...the games were great. It was awesome to see the Yankees up close and personal and to see some of the greatest players play. The highlight was definately seeing Mariano Rivera come in the 8th inning on Friday night and shut down the nationals. Bernie Williams hit the game winning home run in the top of the 9th and Mariano closed out the nationals in the bottom of the inning for the win. It was great. I spent the rest of the weekend waiting to get back to the game on Sunday...which was one of the best baseball games I have ever seen. It was fast paced (the game only took 2.5 hours), it was a pitchers duel with plenty of good drama, and the Nationals won with a walk off home run with one out and a runner on in the bottom of the 9th. I couldn't be upset as a Yankee fan with the result because it was just that damn awesome. How many people have been to games where this kind of thing happens? Especially games that the home team comes from behind entering the inning to win in the 9th? It was the first for me and it was sweet. Probably my highlight of the weekend.

Actually, no way.

I got engaged this weekend! Did you? Didn't think so...biatch.

It was fun. I proposed to the doctor by the Washington monument.

The original plan was to do it along the waterfront in georgetown. She had taken the first stage of the med school boards on friday and I was going to take her to dinner after the game...but the game took too long and i had to scrap that plan. So on the way back (driving) from the game, I pulled over by the reflecting pond in front of the Capitol and asked her if she wanted to go for a walk...she didn't. Ouch. She used the excuse that there have been some muggings in the area recently, so we kept driving. Then I pulled over by the washington monument and convinced her to go for a walk around the newly renovated area. So we walk around the monument and then head towards one of the benches at the foot of the monument looking out towards the WWII memorial and Lincoln memorial. As she is looking out, i got the ring out of my pocket and when she turned around, I was down on my knee, with the box open. She said yes, which was nice to hear, but she also asked if I was being serious...I was, so i then asked if she did in fact say yes and she had.

so that's my story. however, i'm not a big fan of the term "fiance" so I think i'm going to refer to her as "my french girlfriend"...because that's how I do.

When I get a good picture of the ring, I'll put it up here, but it's going to take a week since she is in Italy now.

What do this picture and me have in common?

So i'm leaving work thursday afternoon around 5:45. My typical route is that i exit the side door and jaywalk through the cars stopped at the red light. Usually the cars are all stacked up and it is rather safe to walk through them to get across the street to get to the metro.

So exit the side door I do. As I exit, the light is turning green, so i don't have much time...and i make a break for it. The first two lanes are all backed up, so I am clear to get through those....the third lane is not backed up and i can't see too clearly, so i decide to make a break for it anyway...it'll be fine, right? even if a car comes, it won't be going fast, so i'll be able to get by it, right? NOPE. so i clear the first two lanes and get to the third and notice a black car bearing down on me...fuck. i try to sprint across and i'm simply not going to make it. the car slams on the brakes and there's just not enough room. I realize i'm going to get hit and as the impact is coming, i make a jump for it...the bumper of my car hits me in the left shin...which is the inside leg. AIRBORNE i go...no joke. i manage to get my left hand down on the hood of the car that hit me, so it looks like i am doing a handstand...skateboard style. the bag around my shoulders swings around my right shoulder and is hanging on my right side. i made contact with the car in the 4th lane that was also stopped, but i'm not sure with which part of my body, possibly my right leg. anyway, my momentum stops as i am practically straight up in the air and i manage to land on my feet. who knows what is going through my head, but the next thing i do is yell out "it's cool" and continue running across the street and down into the metro.

so i'm alive, my shin doesn't even have a bruise or anything...and now all i wonder is if i gave the driver of the car a heart attack or not...and how pissed i would have been at a pedestrian that did that to me.

or how surreal would have it been to see a kid in a tie get jacked up bar a car, land and then disappear into the metro? shady, right?

that's how i roll, brosef.

Q.P. Live and Me

QThis Will Only Make You Dumber

I haven't comitted myself recently and I would apologize, but that'd be rediculous...so I won't, sorry if you wanted me to.

whack.

i played softball on tuesday. for those of you that don't know, i work at my job for two reasons: 1. christmas bonus and 2. softball.

i've waited 9 months to play softball again and am really happy about it. in my first at bat, i popped out to the center fielder and the attorney in charge of our team yelled at me. the reason i didn't smack the hell out of the ball is that i had fouled off a pitch and i am terrified of striking out, so i took a weak swing and the rest was history. it's cool though because in my next at bat, i hit the ball farther than i ever have and got a homer...sweet.

every time i have ever played i have wanted to make a diving catch in the outfield. on tuesday, this guy hit a deep shot out to my area and i was playing too far in...so i started retreating and knew i was beat and it was going to take and amazing effort to make this play. so i'm backing up, trying to get a read on the ball and then it's coming near me and my time is finally here...i have to dive! so dive i did...and miss by 10 yards (minimum) i did. i had no chance on this ball to the point where i was laughing even before i hit the ground...which, as a result, gave me a massive bruise on my left love handle/hip. always something there to remind me of me being a moron.

so everyone was laughing at how bad i looked when i did that, so in my next at bat i came up and hit what would have been a single against your everyday collection of physically challenged kids...but this team for whatever reason couldn't pick up much in the outfield, so i kept on going to second and once i got halfway there i decided i was going to third...had this team had any talent, i would have had to slide into third, but knowing how bad they were, i slowed down so the ball could skip by the third baseman and once that happened, i strolled home...so everyone there realized that i am in no way a professional person and that i am in fact, in terms of personality, closer to my shoe size than my age.

so that's all i got right now.

me puddle, you merc.

Sorry for the lull

So i've been out of town for a few days in Sylacauga, Alabama for work. Nothing happens there. However, it's 39 miles from Birmingham, so we stayed there and actually had a pretty decent time while we were out and about. The food is good (there are lots of nice restaurants all around), I saw an amazing car accident where the back two wheels of the pickup truck were on top of the sedan it ran over and, most importantly, there are some fun bars where the women are "cool" and by cool i mean nothing like any girls in DC that I have ever come across...why? well take a gander at this photo:




Hopefully, this picture is clear enough for you. It was taken by my camera phone (yes, the new phone is here and it shits on the razor). What exactly are you looking at?

Well, we have a pool, so strange lighting, what appears to be a woman and then maybe some more hands around the back of her neck and then, is that what i think it is, no way, is that really j-e-l-l-o?

yes, yes it is. we found a bar that has jello wrestling and it was amazing. this was not naked jello wrestling because, like i said, we were at a bar, not a strip club. there were about 10-14 girls who were involved in this. and this was by no means all that hot...it was just amazing because these girls were kicking the crap out of each other. size didn't matter at all, it was all about how much you wanted it. you are getting an arial shot of the championship match and the girl in the green shorts won the whole thing...and she was the most attractive out of all of them, so you have to be happy about that...and she was no ugo. the girls, except for two large ones, were all very attractive.

seriously, these girls fought tough and it was awesome...so awesome that as a result of being at this bar, we got hammered and didn't make the departure time to drive to where we were working and almost got fired. in the end, i had the car keys, so when we woke up 30 minutes after we left, we broke for the car...and then laughed about how amazing jello wrestling was/how we were still kind of drunk and had no idea how much trouble we were about to get into.

in the end, we were still early and never got reprimanded at all, which was a nice surprise.

also of note is that in alabama, i'm practically fluent in spanish. we were hanging out with these girls who were celebrating their friends birthday, which was in march, and one of them made some comment about me in spanish, to which i was there for a reply...out of no where, 3 of her friends all run to join the conversation and are amazed that i can speak spanish and i quickly find out that their spanish is the equivalent to my german. which is a two word phrase i learned in 3rd grade meaning good morning or something...couldn't really tell ya. but anyway, it was cool to feel like i had a superior knowledge of a language since their are 4 year olds whose english is far and away better than mine.

in conclusion, if you are ever in birmingham, go to bullfeathers around 12:30 am on friday morning

i've work with a genius

don't be fooled by this picture, please. this is going somewhere:



so i was just in the bathroom. hence, the urinal picture...anyway, i walk in and there is a man at least in his 50s or 60s in there. he is a temp in my office. anyway, he is all the way at the last urinal, which is the shortest one there. this would be the one where you would find the 6 year old child who has his pants and underwear around his ankles with his thimble of a wanger hanging out, looking for his dad and on the verge of tears...comedy at it's best.

anyway, this dude, in a empty bathroom with 4 choices of urinals is at the smallest one...and he's not a midget. so i start to think about it...you know, why would a grown man use the smallest urinal? and then it hit me: no splash back. truly amazing what this guy has going through his mind....the lower the urinal, the less likely you will get a splash back onto your hands, shirt, tie or pants from the urinal...or if it hits your pants, it hits lower on your pants where you are less likely to touch during the day and therefore, not have pee all over you hands. this guy is a freakin genius. it is sad that most men's ties are a breading ground for disease, in part because of splash back...this guy wasn't even wearing a tie.

he is a model citizen and a trend setter. i'd pee there, but the divider is also pee wee sized and i need my privacy when i pee.

I got in a fight last night and won.....

It was awesome, I was just minding my business and out of nowhere there was all this trouble and the next thing I know, I'm being provoked...I'm not about to take this crap anymore, so I was all "bring it on" and they were all "this is the law, bitch"...it was not the law, I told them how it was gonna go and then I laid the smack down on those bitches...all talk in the end. It was really that easy.

So, I'm really tired of my razor phone with cingular and decided I was done with it last night. I got off of work at 5:30 on a Monday for the first time since March, so I celebrated by going to the Cingular store...where I was promptly told I had to call cingular about this issue, otherwise, I would have to pay full price for a phone at the store and that wasn't happening. So i gave them the old, "this is my second razor and both have been defective and I want a new, free phone of equal value", which is $150 btw, and they gave me the "let me put you on hold for 29 minutes while we transfer you to the warranty department" who then gave me the "let me call you on another line so we can waste your roommates minutes while we're at it" to which I responded, "ok".

so 42 minutes of hold/talk time and I am now on Jermaine's phone. Warranty guy is telling me that all he can do for me is give me another razor and i'm not having that kind of okie bs (he was from oklahoma, no offense okie joe...hick ((offense))). anyway, i get transferred back to customer service where i give the same statement for the 3rd or 4th time of the night...2nd crappy phone, give me a new phone for free dammit, and it starts to work. i'm on with her for about another 20 minutes of hold/talk time and in the end, I am having a brand new phone sent to me...no more razor, fuck Motorola...i'm going back to Samsung. good ole trusty Samsung. but then again, i'm pretty sure something will go wrong here as well, so we will have to wait and see.

all of this happened while watching the first two innings of the yankees/red sox game last night, which, if you watched it, you can imagine how crazy i was going while on hold/talking to the cingular reps...between the first inning error that helped melky score from first to the 7 straight hits by the yankees in the 2nd, it was really hard not to yell out at random times...

but in the end, i emerge victorious.

SWEET

Q.P. Live and Me

Shelf can eat a dick


we've all been there...first time we've touched a boob, no matter the age, and then the confidence grows. then the ego takes over and causes you to open your mouth when you shouldn't...and this has happend to out dog, top top top a shelf.

back off homie...i know your balls have a new odor to them now that they have slapped vag for the first time in a long time, but try not to jump all over those that have helped you out...additionally, your birthday is over son and the only person able to pull that kind of attitude and blame it on the birthday is this guy and that's barely holding on by a thread so if you're going to go and play it out, i'm gonna get really pissed when it's march 19th next year and we're still not celebrating my birthday.

i didn't think my nutz were all over fenty anyway...let me re-read my post for a second:

ok. i'm back. in that entire post, all i did was say i am excited to hear fenty speak...never did i claim to desire his balls in my mouth...after hearing him speak, he kind of has this odd speaking tongue about him, so i don't want to say he has had balls in his own mouth, or that his balls have been in some dudes mouth, but it may be possible....maybe not though because the co-worker who set this whole thing up knows him through his wife...so odds are his balls have been in her mouth, but the down low says as we speak he could be speaking through nuts...or maybe i touched a nerve on top top over the shelfrey and he secretly desired fenty's nuts...if that's the case, i apologize.

anyway, fenty's main goal is to improve the education of dc students...and what's amazing is that dc spends ~$13,000 per year per student...crazy right? even crazier is that he supported what i said in my previous post: that DC spends, per captia, more money on education that almost every other jursidiction in the country.

it sounded like he wanted to cut some money back the amount spent on each student and increase the accountability of the school administrators...

i look at politicians as it's their jobs to get me to like them...from what he was saying, for the most part, he accomplished this goal...however, if i had a vote in this city, i'd prefer to hear what linda cropp has to say...especially to hear how clear she can talk with shelf's nutz in her mouth...slut...BONG.

the next mayor of dc?

So this is Adrian Fenty. He is going to be speaking to my firm in about 17 minutes and 53 seconds. I'm pumped. I actually got to work early today to hear what he has to say? I know what some of you are asking and it sounds a little like this:

"But don't you live in Virginia and therefore have no vote in DC and can make abosoultely zero impact on this election?"

My answer to this: yes, yes and double yes.

However, free breakfest has been offered as well as a free hour from work on a friday, so I am all over this. I even got here today at 8:15, so right away I can leave around 4:45. Add to this the hour or so breakfest will be and then I am hopefully being taken out to lunch and that's another 2 hours out of my day...which, of late, has been doing what we call "document review". Also know as, "stare at the computer and what pages load slower and slower and then read and tag them". It's so boring that I can't even put entries up here because I just want the boring to end. I even stayed late last night because I like torture and could use the money. But time literally goes backwards when you do doc review. If you asked any paralegal here, doc review is the last thing any of us would volunteer to do...and this is the next month of my life and I might even get to go to Alabama or South Carolina to do it....sweet.

So I kind of care what Adrian Fenty has to say afterall. Not because I know anything about him or because I'm into politics, it's just that I really don't like Linda Cropp. Why? Mainly because she was such a pain the last two years about getting the Nationals to DC. Her stance was that the money should be going to education. Someone once told me, and this has yet to be verified, but maybe that's where Shelf can help out, that behind NY and NJ, DC spends more money per capita on education...true? possible? I have no idea, but believing this has helped fuel my dislike for Linda Cropp.

Additionally, I am one who tends to believe a deal is a deal. There's little that upsets me more than watching a movie or a show like 24 when thieves have deals made and then one of them have an alterior motive and kills the partner...kind of like The Italian Job...that really grinded my gears. But the problem I had with Ms. Cropp is that Anthony Williams, mayor of DC, and MLB had a deal in place. Ms. Cropp didn't like it, so they tried to make concessions. She then said she liked it but still held up the process by stalling and flip flopping and all that other political crap. Add to this that once they finally were allowed to play and the Nationals had a successful first season in DC, Ms. Cropp was up to it again and there was more turmoil this off seaso to the point where the Nationals only recently settled a stadium deal, which delayed getting an owner in place, which meant the new stadium just broke ground less than a month ago.

Oh, and her husband was a professor of mine at GW. The class was business administration. He would tell us that on our exams we would have 8 ID questions and 7 short answer questions. Then he would give us 8 "examples" of ID questions and 7 "examples" of short answer questions. The man would give us the test ahead of time...there has to be some sort of ethical dilema with this. Of course, there were no complaints from the class and I was always terrified by the stupidity of those who got B's and C's in the tests (not joking, this actually happened), but for someone whose wife is so clearly rooted in education, how can you pull this kind of crap?

Anyway, I'm off to hear Mr. Fenty speak.

a bet has been made

Q.P. Live and Me

so i was going to put a photo on here of a very very fat person...but then i held myself back. the last thing i wanted people to see was a picture that made you turn away and never look at the screen again because that is not the purpose here. the purpose is to educate you, the reader, on what not to say, write, do, etc...it's my job to do these things so that you can say "why did he do that?"

after practice last night i got myself into a bet. there is another person on my frisbee team with a very similar build. the bet is to see who can lose the most percentage body fat by september. in the last year i've gone through some major changes, but i have to say i am not optimistic about this....that and not a single soul put any faith in me whatsoever. how about that for a confidence boost, right?

anyway, the weigh in is scheduled for after practice next wednesday at the bar where the bet was made. i'm thinking of wearing a leapord print thong for it but i doubt i'm going to follow through with that because i think i would get kicked out of the bar for such behavoir.

the worst part in all of this is that i was just walking around the bar not being evenly remotely like myself. by this i mean i was calm, quiet and respectful when out of nowhere this bet is thrust upon me like a high school girl at an OAR concert (happy birthday, thomas). so naturally i have to accept because it is for a good cause...you know, me being like the rest of the people i hang out with and by that i mean really skinny. so i take the challenge and then the parameters are set: losers buys a case of guiness and a bottle of jamesons...so loser ends up shelling up close to $100 in alcohol that will no doubt be destructive to the accomplishments of said bet.

i think i have a good lead on the right personal trainer though, so i might have an ace up my sleeve.