Ironic

Yes, yes that is Alanis Morrisette. Yes, I did really put a picture of her up on my blog. Why? I'm listening to the last Tony Kornheiser show because he is going to work Monday Night Football games next year and he is going to start his research beginning next week, I guess. I really have no idea.

Anyway, the songs they play on the stream where commericials usually are take me back to when I was a high school girl. The first song they played was an Indigo Girls song and I couldn't help but think, A) Please don't anyone come into my office because there is an Indigo Girls song on and B) Man, this song kicks ass. I hope they don't cut it short.

that's right, I said it. But I couldn't justify an Indigo Girls picture on here because this blog is classy (as evidenced by the pictures in the previous posts). But then the next commericial break came and they played "Ironic" and I flashed back again to my high school days and was nostalgic. This has been a nostalgic week for me. My hair is shorter than it has been since high school, the briskness of the air reminds me of lacrosse practice at this time of year and summer is right around the corner. I remember when I had summers off. that was sweet. i never had good paying summer jobs, but i always had jobs that gave me plenty of free time and that was important. now, in my life as a fake corporate paralegal, i fill up as much of my time out of work as possible...

i had to stop myself there because i was embarrasing myself. not like mel last night who took off all of her clothes in a drunken stooper and exclaimed "This is what I looked like when I came out of the womb" but more like whatatool and that's just not right.

i have to go do something now.

countdown: 889

naked chicks

i typed naked chicks into google images and this was one of the hits....sweet.

You know what really grinds my gears?

Let me start this out that i like most anything google. While tedious at first, most google idea work out pretty darn well. and why this one is probably good and all, i just hate what people write.

i'm talking about the busy messages on google chats on gmail. i hate them. people put down any and everything. it's like putting a quote at the end of your email. does that quote mean anything to you specifically? does it make you feel a certain way that you wish to share with others? or is it that the quote best sums you up and gives us, the reader, a better clue as to the mysterious, troubled and deep soul that you are. i admit it, i used to use quotes at the end of my emails back when i first got an email account. i guess i just wanted to fit in and all but now i realize i was just looking for social acceptance because i was kind of paranoid on account of all the crack i was smokin...but i digress.

the picture above came up when i searched "crazy monkeys". it was the first one i saw and after searching for 10 minutes to come up with a good picture for this post, i gave up and went with a monkey wearing glasses...pretty frickin crazy, i know. what a rush.

anyway, back to these gchat comment things. why? why put them out there. if you are not online, your name will not appear on the side. but if your account is open, you have the right to say that you are busy and anyone trying to "chat" with you will be "interrupting". seriously? you mean you can have your inbox open at all times but you can't accept the IM version of an email? why not? if you are "busy" enough to need your inbox open all day then how your you "too busy" to receive an im? i don't get it.

i digress again because there is so much i don't like.

back to the personal philosophies on the gchat. how necessary are they? now there is a scale i'd like to use here. the informative ones like "at lunch" or "bonin in the bosses office" i can live with should they be true. but why the hell do i need to know what particular trendy expression is going through your body right now and why does that need to be made public? why do i need to know who pissed you off and why do you need to broadcast that information to the entire email reading community?

along these lines and slightly less radical, i must thank you all for putting stupid shit in your gchat. everyday i read it and everyday i say to myself how i need to write something about how fucking stupid it is. so thank you for that.

if i could give personal shot outs, i'd like to say to the worm, that not one gchat goes by where i don't spend 5 minutes after wishing there was some sort of public forum where i could make fun of your one liners because i find them kind of funny. i don't want to make fun of you in that "look at the fat kid with ice cream on his shirt" kind of way but more in the way that i think it would be good banter to go back and forth with.

as for you, you tall, lanky, wiry haired german, your gchats confuse the hell out of me. shame on your for making less sense than any of the 1000 words written above.

monkeys monkeys monkeys.

countdown: 893

Google Images is fun

What up sluts? So this guy is awesome. This guy was what I found when I google imaged my name. Of not is the bulge in his pants. That's an above average man. So if you are curious what I will look like when I get older, that right there is it...except my clothes will be a little more red because by now you have to know that i look best in red.

I spent the last 45 minutes looking into "adsense" for advertisements on the blog. I'm thinking that this is a terrible idea because i read the contract and got bored, so i started skimming. then i started thinking that there is no way that they won't ask for some money right up front and the more i thought of it, the more i feared ending up as part of a mass tort litigation with no idea what's going on and getting turned out by avocado as a result and i just can have that....i'm simply not prison material (too pretty)...fish.

anyway, it seems that with adsense, google puts ads on your blog and then you get paid judging by the amount of clicks the ads get. that would be awesome...but there are strict (remember, i skimmed this) rules saying that an automated dohicky can't do the clicking...then it says that a computer controlled by me can't do the clicking. two strikes. so i began thinking of other websites where they ask people to click the links because that's how they get paid and wondered if that violated any rules...i think it might but it was foggy...and that's the problem. what isn't foggy with all the legalize they throw into the contract? then i want to find out how much the start up fee is and how many clicks you need to get money out of it and then it becomes way too confusing. they need to have some kind of bullet point page that lists everything for the person like me who wants their money without giving any of my money...pretty simple plan, right?

so if you have info about this adsense thing, please send an email to qplive@gmail.com and that would be sweeeeeeet.

also, to who ever wrote about "Quentin's Corner" a big thank you to you. That's a great idea. So i guess if people decide to write into the comments section their questions about life and the ever after, i'd be happy to give them a bizarre and twisted take on them...Mustache free of course...unless you desire a Mustache ride that is. also, please note that i did just figure out how to put a picture on this thing and it will no doubt be impossible to put videos, let along free downloads. if there is ever a crash course on the internet thing going on, i guess i will jump on that ship, but until then, we will have to settle with the stuff i find on other people's websites.

as for jerky mcjersksack, don't hate on those kind enough to comment. this is not a public forum for ridicule unless it is from me. but don't hate on the fans, a hole....that's right, completely contradictory.

please let this work

so i've begun some more work into the picture thing. rather than writing anything else, i am publishing this to see if it work. i will follow up shortly.

nevermind. i got it to work. WHO WANTS A FUCKING MUSTACE RIDE BIATCHES!!!!

this worked and oh man is it sweet. so i guess i've figured that out, so who knows what else is out there. i could totally be operating a blog worthy of 1998 right about know with the combination of my technical skill with the quality dating of this photo, taken on sunday, but looks more like circa 1984.

so that is me, officer quentin (farva) p. live dot come at your service. to protect and drink liter of colas while giving free mustace rides to whoever i pull over driving very too fast on 117 in new york in a porsche.

i have very little to do today, so i will be back soon with other stuff, but i want to guarantee this works.

hey you, you there:

you are the one who in fact licks balls.

ps. i have no idea how to post pictures.

ummm

did he say he is going to start the trend of using the phrase "crushing it?" unless you deem "crushin it" to be completely different from "crushing it" you can't do that. that would be just another one of the white mans lies and we can't have that in the racially harmonious space that is qpliveandme.blogspot.com

moving forward, you ever get the urge to get a short hair cut and shave your beard but only leave your mustace? i did that...it was awesome. if you want to see how much i can look like Officer Farva, please send me a text message or email requesting the picture and i will follow through for you. it's quality. it was so amazing that the doctor and the roommate couldn't look at me for more than 5 seconds without laughing at me. hell, i was walking through the mall yesterday and i was laughing. i kept thinking that everyone else would look and me and think i was retarded. afterall, here i am, a grown ass man walking around laughing out loud with the worst possible fashion statement ever. this wasn't the kind of mustace a 17 white girl with brunette hair has or the kind a 5 year old hispanic kid has, but this was full on 6 month old beard trimmed down to nothing but the stache...hide the children parents, there's a baby toucher on the loose...that's how bad. the doctor wouldn't even look at me. it was that amazing.

on a similar note, i'd like to take the time out to thank corporate america for giving us The Hair Cuttery. These people do great work. i've never left a hair cuttery with a bad hair cut. it doesn't matter which one you go to because everyone has to pass the same "can you tell the difference between scissors and a hair dryer?" test and therefore on the same level of haircutting...but man, i am happy with their craftsmanship. too many times (4) i have been butchered in the dc erea by non hair cuttery hair cut places and that stops. i bow to thee hair cuttery (ohh, that was nice) and now i have to go back to work.

countdown: 904

Shot a holla dog

So this story is a week old, but i can't believe it hasn't been written about yet...i guess because of exams.

So my ladyfriend, who i will refer to here on out as the doctor, was running through georgetown last weekend. she runs a lot, because, well doctors know how to take care of themselves...and she knows that if she gains even so much as 3 pounds, she can't sleep in the same bed as me...i'm country.

anyway, she is running down the street and while she has run in the past through georgetown, she has seen some famous people. i believe there was a woody allen sighting? nicole kidman for sure, some members of the gw basketball team, steve blake, an old UMD basketball player now playing for the blazers, anyway. so basketball players like georgetown. so she is running and she sees these 4 big black guys walking down the street. at first she thought, "OH MY GOD, BLACK PEOPLE...CROSS THE STREET CROSS THE STREET". that's not true. she thinks to herself that there are 4 athletic looking black dudes, all real tall walking down the street and one of them looks familiar. so she stares a little as she gets closer and then she realizes who it is:

King James. LBJ himself. Lebron "Soon to finish second to Kobe in the MVP voting" James. Lebron James in DC. What up kid! Anyway, as she runs by she can't help but smile. The doctor loves famous people. We have this thing in our relationship where we each get 1 famous person to bone and it has to be cool with the other. I need to come up with mine but she has Jake Glynnelelehahreehehal and whatever other famous person she ever gets anywhere near in contact with. So naturally, she gives him them "I got what you want, you got what I need look". wait, that makes no sense and isn't true.

so she runs by him and smiles at him. he is playing on his blackberry pretending that he is all famous and cool, but right after she runs by he goes "Go ahead, get your workout on girl".

Lebron James hollered at my girlfriend. Once more, Lebron James hollered at my girlfriend. The chick i once saw naked is a chick lebron felt the need to holler at. He skyrocketed in my book after that. shit, she skyrocketed in my book after that.

so that is awesome. nice work doctor.

_________________________________________________

so we had another kickball game last night. for the first time in my life, i realized what it is like to argue with me because i took the never before driven on "high road". my team doesn't know the rules. there's no need to know the rules when
a. it's kickball and
b. there are 2 refs

so we are accused of cheating without even knowing it when we score a run and we are all happy. so this girl looks at me and bitches, "that's real cool. you guys cheat and then you laugh about it" to which i reply "we don't mean to cheat, we don't even know the rules" and she bitches and bitches more and then i respond "but this is why we have refs, so we can't cheat" at which point she insinuates (sp?) that the refs are anti her team. it was amazing...like an out of body experience. i seriously thought i was looking at the female version of myself arguing.
so we won 3-2. then we got drunk, real drunk. at one point, three of the girls on our team and one dude were dancing with no shirts on...EDITORS NOTE: not eligible for www.boobswithshirtson.com...but they did have bras on (or in the dudes case, a bro (or manzere)). i left soon there after and apparantly i missed one girl trying to fall asleep on 18th street and getting in the way of a reporting crew. so ncspud couldn't stand for that so he insulted the guys "easter egg tie" and then as the camera shot the reporter, he stared at the reporter for the entire report from right behind the camera...i.e. eye contact. nice work spudsack.

amazing

whoever put that link in the comments of the "four twenty" post, thank you. it turns out....i was right? how often does that happen? for the full story:
http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20060421/ap_on_re_us/foiled_plot

Help me out...it is quick

please do me a favor:

go to this link:

http://movies.aol.com/american-dreamz-movie-singing-contest/finals

Please vote for Lisa Marie. Please do this asap.

thanks.

Four Twenty

If there ever was a day to erase from the calendar, today would be that day. For those not in the know, today is Hitler's birthday. Enough said.

Also, today is the anniversary of the Columbine Massacre. What a fucked up event that was/continues to be. I was walking to work today wondering if something like that happened today, when would I find out? Would it already have happened before I woke up and it was all over the sports news (which is all I watch, but they do throw out major stories like a Columbine situation) or if someone on the metro made a comment about it or maybe when i got to work and there was a news blurb somewhere. Either way, it seems like nothing has happened and that is a good thing.

I remember senior year in high school when it happened and at the time, it just seemed like another high school shooting...for some reason, there were a lot of these going on at the time. but that quickly changed when it was discovered how simply evil this whole thing was...

no jokes here about that. that situation was simply terrible.

but anyway, on a day like today when all the weed heads walk around proud, with their heads up and eyes shut like today is their day, try to keep in mind that this date should be simply skipped over. there is definitely going to be some other asshole or assholes out there who decide today is their day to pull some stunt that will not only affect them but the lives of everyone else in the country. and that is just wrong.

so hug the fat girl, shake hands with the pale skinny kid who wears all black on 80 degree days and take a moment to reflect on the misery that a day like today caused.

an update...on me!

one day a week drinking is done. i think i may have "matured" a little as a result of my experiment.

last night there was a (free) work happy hour. we went to clyde's in chinatown. this spot is pretty cool. i recommend it to the highest, if not for the quality of food, bartenders, etc but because when you walk in, there is a mural of babe ruth hitting a home run for the yankees in fenway park.

anyway, the night starts slow, goose and tonic, do it. so i'm slowly sipping away where it's an hour into the happy hour and i only have had two drinks. maturing, right? kind of. in this time i started my, "i've had one drink i'm wasted comment" that i use to awkward situations. how can i make this worse, you ask? someone wasn't drinking to which i responded, "is it because you're jewish and it's passover?" no response....so i throw out the "you're jewish, right?" she wasn't. oops, my bad. good for the blog, though, good for the blog.

so then there is this dude i work with who drinks screwdrivers. the kid is cool and all, really nice guy but i decided it was time to tell him it's not ok to drink screwdrivers. he counters with it's his favorite drink to which i respond it once was everyone's favorite drink...when they were 15. honestly, when john starks was busy blowing game 7 of the 1994 nba finals against the rockets, i was having my first alcoholic beverage...a screwdriver. i'm pretty sure the last one i had was when i was 16 and after sharing that story, i found out most people had no idea when the last time was they had a screwdriver...probably because it was so long ago.

so nothing too crazy. i got back to the "house of my gash"...actually, that's factually inaccurate...it's an apartment, where she looks at me and asks how hard i am trying to not act wasted...i was trying pretty hard. but i didn't do anything too overboard and for that, i fear i might be "maturing"...unless you add sparks to the equation and then odds are i walk home from the bar with nothing on except for my tie, which i have tied around my [filter] just enough so as to not get a ticket for public indeceny...

i got in the metro today and there were people offering flyers about secret death camps in china where they take your organs out as a way of torturing you because you believe in a religion where the government doesn't control your mind...not that you act up, you just are "guided by the principles of Truthfulness, Compassion, and Tolerance." I guess that will teach those damn friendly people to be understanding of others. actually, if any of you remember back to my freshman year at gw, this might sound familiar. i got one of those forwards where a guy was down in the Caribbean and met this girl. one thing led to another, a few drinks here and there and all of a sudden, this dude wakes up in a bathtub of ice missing a kidney with a note saying "Call 911 or you will die". pretty much, that's the last thing i ever want to have happen to me...it freaked me out...and still does. so i feel for these people...to the point where i can't even attempt a joke because:
a. that would be too offensive for me and
b. is anything i write on here even considered a joke? i mean, we could call it an attempt at a joke or rambling nonsense.

oh well. thanks for the feedback.

ways to help

yes, that's right! even you can help determine what happens here on qpliveandme.blogspot.com

i was thinking i need to have a weekly gimmick. like douche bag of the week or semantics in 06 moment of the week. but it couldn't be like last nights semantics in 06 when the discussion was held as the whether you have to ask for cheese when ordering a pizza. you don't.

but it would have to be bigger than that, something that all 5 readers of this blog will understand. and yes, the number is up from 2 to 5...i got a stat tracker thing going. it might cease to be free once there are 100 hits to this blog, but hey, that's a number that many famous people have never gotten on their blogs...like seth cohen or john dorian.

what?

in conclusion, makes some comments...whoever threw out the midget thing got me going for a bit.

and to take a moment to answer a few comments:
1. the easter bunny, like santa, only works on easter (or in santa's case christmas). there is no way you hit the easter bunny on monday.
2. it is always appropriate to inform your girlfriend's parents of the bowl movements of friends animals. this is a topic that is taboo in many a relationship, but if you can't talk poop and merc, how are you going to tell them that their daughter is knocked up and that you used to wake up every morning naked with the neighbors dog in your bed until you met their daughter? how?

very little to say

i learned something this weekend. if you are the child of a diplomat, you too have immunity. which is amazing since that pretty much means you can get away with whatever you want...unless your home country decides to refuse the immunity for you and then you are screwed....but if you father happens to be the ambassador for that country, odds are that you are in the clear. so i'd like to extend a big old "you lucky bastard" to one of my friends for being the luckiest kid ever. you sloppy bitch.

i really can't offer you much more right now. i was in NJ this weekend at Rutgers and am kind of brain dead. two highlights of things i experienced this weekend are as follows:

1. friday night was my friend's birthday. i've said before that my friends from home are rap stars without the music. so we're in the club when one of my friend's friends tells me that there is $600 of alcohol on the table right now. there were two bottles of Cristal. fake ass rap stars with their real ass expensive alcoholic beverages. this is on top of the 4 bottles of Goose that had already been purchased. so you get the point that we were not sober by any means. for once, i wasn't blacked out...probably because if i was blacked out i would have pissed someone off and i am the smallest kid compared to everyone else they know...that and i'm the white dude in the corner, which is hilarious. i asked the other white kid "do you ever feel like the white kid in the corner" to which he responded "you feel like that too?" this was a highlight. anyway, so later that night it is passing out time. i ask my friend for a blanket and pillow to which he responds "Fuck you." no blanket, no pillow, time to pass out on the couch fully clothed. i wake up 3 hours later freezing in the fetal position with no pants on. my only thought is "why the hell did i take my pants off?" i rise, put pants back on and steal a blanket and pillow. i win.

2. there is this dog and his name is turk. turk is a white lab. turk is a cool dog. turk is also over 100 pounds and i'm not joking. he is the fattest dog i have ever seen. he's the size of a good sized otoman (sp?). if you put your feet up on his back, he scratches his back with your feet. it's amazing. we took turk out to go to the bathroom and he walked into a bush (which he was the same size of) and scratched his back in that too. then he peed. and peed. and peed. turk peed for literally a minute and a half. but he is so heavy that his body can't support his weight while he is peeing, so eventually, he starts walking while he is peeing. it's hilarious.

so today i randomly start laughing because of some of the things that happened this weekend, but i didn't get much sleep at all and i slept fully clothed (down to the socks) both nights while i was up there. it was worth it.

that and bloomingdales is a cool store....no homo

real quick

i've made 3600 pages worth of photocopies today...all before noon. what have you done to hurt the environment since 9 am? slackers.

midgets, gnomes and kickball

i played kickball last night. i watched for 30 minutes before my team got to play. i decided while i was waiting that i hate organized kickball. why? the rules. the rules are a mess. first of all, a foul does not count as a strike as it does all normal variations of baseball. you get 4 balls, 3 strikes and 4 fouls. it's terrible. to be honest though, you kind of need the four fouls. why? because you can pitch however the hell you want. to me, kickball is fun because someone kicks the ball and the fielders scrammble all around. in "fun" kickball, the ball is rolled in, maybe fast, maybe slow, but flat and on the ground, and the "batter" kicks the ball, people chase after, someone runs around the bases, (codrea may or may not try to start a fight) and everyone has fun. but in this shitstank version of kickball, you just throw the ball however you want towards the plate. overhand, sidearm, left nut, it doesn't matter, so long as you take the fun out of it before anyone even gets on the field. it's fucking kickball people, roll the ball, kick the ball, catch the ball, drink the beer, bone the ugos and marry the pregos.

as for midgets...they're not tall, but it's not their fault. truth is, their parents made fun of midgets when they were young and as a result, had a "little person" instead of a "standard" child. little known fact about midgets though: when they are born, they are born at full growth. you ever met a midgets mom? neither have I...why? because if you gave birth to a fully grown little person, it would likely kill you too. this is where prostitutes have an advatage...much like nick naylor's smoking saving his life when he was covered in nicotine patches, a prostitute is good and "loosy goosy" and therefore can handle a full grown midget birth.

now a midget born not fully grown is a gnome. they don't have villages for gnomes but they do for midgets...why? because midgets have an amazing sense of humor.

you can learn a lot from a little person, i guarantee it.

935, not one jonny

Countdown - 944

a strong last two perfomances makes 1000 actually look possible...which is a lot.

on the smaller and lesser things, i have to sit in a room with no windows, computer or fan or anything and go through 7 boxes. I did two yesterday in 10 hours. This is not a fun task. The worst part is, I have a radio up there, but the station I listen to, Sportstalk 980, plays the same commercials over and over again. There is this one where a guy calls up Comcast and asks to get MASN, which for those that don't know is the station Nationals games are played on. MASN is the anti-Comcast sportsnet, so Comcast refuses to air the games. This is just one of the major problems I have with baseball in this area. A second is the fact that barely anyone here knows the baseball season has started. No owner = no promotion. Now everyone who hosts a sports radio show here says the team is weak this year and that the honeymoon has worn off and now the fans aren't going to come out as much. To me, this is the best thing that could happen. MLB owns the Nationals. Everytime we go and watch a Nationals game, MLB makes money. Instead of giving more money to the 29 or so owners that own the team, why not boycott all of the games until an owner is in place? MLB has been dragging its feet for sometime now when they should have been picking a new owner. I bet if no one goes to the games they will get a new owner in here right away. Just a thought.

Also, I don't really like the team name "Nationals" but I can live with it. I hate the expression "Nats" though. "Let's go Nats" This is terrible. First of all, it sounds like "mets" when cheered at games (been there, heard that, trust me), secondly, that's a horrible name...it's a fucking annoying bug that no matter how hard you swat it, it comes back for more...that isn't necessarily a good thing since the NATIONALS have a subpar pitching staff and getting swated is really the opposite thing you want to happen to your baseball club.

I want to organize a group of Nationals fans who stand outside games and hold signs that say "Welcome to the NATIONALS game" or find some other way to drill this into the thousands of casual baseball fans we have in the area...because to be honest, if you are a Nationals fan, you must not be that big of a baseball person. The team is brand new to the area. If you know much about baseball, it is likely because you have a favorite team. Now i am all for rooting for the brand new local team, but I could give a crap if the Nationals lose. To be honest, I'd be mildly disappointed. If you have seen me after a Yankee loss or seen Papa Spudapolis after a UNC loss, you know what a fan is like.

Then there is Dr. Bongzilla, who doesn't know what to feel like after a his NCAA team loses, or his purple shirt basketball team loses or what to even do when the alarm clock goes off, because he's all "hey man, how'd i get here, man" and shit. that's right you cheese eating, volvo wagon driving, jeffery dahmer house address knowing, geoff jenkins jersey wearing, changing my middle name to Jamal because "I got it like that" pimpinology lesson in towanda's.....you get the point. here is your shout...

in conclusion, 944

I miss you too

i feel like i'm letting all 3 of you down. sometimes i shower you with attention and then off i go for weeks at a time with no word from me at all. you have no idea where i am, what's gone on with me or what i am up to.

I'll tell you what though. I'll try to catch you up on what has happened to me the last few days. I worked. Late every weeknight and then 9 hours on sunday. Who works 9 hours on sunday? Don't get me wrong, I understand you have to put this time in..but usually it's associated with your career goals. if i were to have gone to law school and now being a fresh associate at a firm like mine or if i were to be a career paralegal with the certificate to boot, then hell yes, i would work a sunday. but that's not me and i work right now for my paycheck.

but other than that. i saw "waiting" on friday night. while i thought it was overrated, because i actually thought it would have basic characteristics of a good movie, it was hilarious...ala mr. burns (hi-larious). quite simply, the ballsack showing game was brilliant. an entire restaurant or f that, workforce united in trying to trick someone into checking out your coin purse. those scenes were by far the ones where i laughed the hardest. and it's games like that that pisses me off i don't have any retarded games like that to play...no homo.

there was a party. party party party. it was fun. i had some beverages. house spoke in russian and some girl named ivey i got to continuously yell "who the hell are you" over and over at her. simply abuse for a simpleton jack. but it was funny, at least to me.

also, i'm told there was a lot of dude at the party. this is why i like my life for two reasons:
1. i can comfortably hang out in a room of dudes (once again, no homo) because i am on the 5 year plan with the lady who sometimes throws in her tidbits in the comments section. there is no hunt at this point...ladies be forewarned...this doesn't mean i won't talk to you, this simply means there is no line, filter or any other courtesy you are probably used to. which will lead to such interactions like:
girl: "hey, what's up?"
me: "penis"
girl: "excuse me?"
me: "penis"
girl: "why do you keep saying penis?"
me: "Big sle! Check it out! this chick just said penis! haha, you're a whore. you have a filthy, whorish mouth"
big sle: "SLUT!"

i'm laughing to myself right now.

2. usually, i get "drunk" at these parties. and as a result, i can talk to anyone about most anything. why? because i usually forget what i was saying and can have the same conversation over and over. that's not true. my attention span shrinks, so i can talk to a person for about a minute and then get distracted and move to another conversation until 45 minutes later when i find the original person and pick up right where i left off. it's more of a gift than a curse, trust me.

so until next time,
countdown from 1000: 965

in case you are curious the tip to know about the countdown is this:
19
2
11
13
25
55
20
51
22

I have to share this

i was just talking to someone who referred to his co-worker as a "pear-shaped bitch".

I decided something:

I want all dedicated readers, that being the 4 people who read this, to try to call someone a pear-shaped bitch to their face, or in the case of large size difference, about them. Then i want you to send an email to me about the experience and how much you lauged after calling someone that. Please send your respones to one of the following email addresses or post them as a comment:

merc@boobswithshirtson.com
puddle_of@merc.com
bertisavirgin@nosex.com

Good day.

Countdown from 1000: 982

a break in the action

hi.

i have nothing at all to say other than i have a blog and you are reading it. i would write more but any second the phone is going to ring and i will have to leave my office to get food in the lobby.

FOOD IN THE LOBBY. DUN DUN DUN...DUN DUN DUN DUN....DUN DUN DUN....DUN DUN

delerious? i think yes. delerious spelled correctly? i think not? i have no idea, i just want to get my food, go home and watch Jack Bauer destroy something.

i heard today that donald sutherland is canadian...doesn't this make kieffer sutherland candian and therefore jack bauer canadian? surely this plot line will have to develop and 24 will have to turn into a show about mountiees and their red hats and those batons that shock people. anyone else remember when earthquake from the wwf got shocked until he was drooling with one of those on a sunday morning? i was like 11 when that happened and i cried.

what a troubled youth i was.

much to say, not much time

so everyone has those few weeks at work where busy can't even describe how much work there is to do. we have a seminar coming up in a few weeks and we, as paralegals, have to "cite-check" every document the lawyers put together. what does this mean? hours and hours of making sure, for lack of a better way of saying it, "legal formatting" is being followed for any case cited to in a brief.

but i had a weekend. i went to Tijuana and went to one of those shows...you know, where a woman fucks a horse? that was actually from the 40 year old virgin, but damn i love that movie.

i went to lively, watch your back or you might get jumped for your nixes Fredericksburg, Virginia. There was a frisbee tournament. It was actually a really good time.

How was the tournament? Who cares. How was playing with a golf club? Well let me tell you. So inbetween games, bert decides to tee off on his nalgene with the 3 wood we have acquired. standing about 15 yards away and trying to field grounders was a lot of fun. However, the inbetween hop is a doozy, so be careful. no one was hurt and no one came nearly as close to being hurt compared to when i threw the golf club into the beer garden and nearly missed two of my teammates whop had no idea what just missed them. there were about 50 people in the beer garden at the time and after that hit the ground, there were 100 eyes on me, all with mouths opened....i still don't know what their problems were...i mean, it's a frisbee tournament, shit happens. fucking hippies.

so later, after the games, we find the old trusty 3 wood again and decide it is time to have a 3 wood throwing contest. bert is a lot better at this than everyone too. all of my tosses would go really really high and far but hooked left and over some trees. it was awesome and all but i need to work on my game.

the hotel we stayed at hosted the hotel party...some of the highlights there were:

1. putting a giant "X" made of tape on our friends window and telling them we were going to repel through the window later that night...they think we're on coke, but hey, it's better than heroin.

2. going to mcdonald's and ordering a spicy chicken meal, a cheeseburger and a mcchicken sandwich and eating them all myself in under 8 minutes...i still haven't recovered and the lady at the counter who said "what kind of beer are you on" to which i replied "miller high life lite ice" still hasn't called me...i wonder why not?

3. getting dragged out of a room by my ankles after i refused to leave. i went into a room where a few of my friends were enjoying an adult spirit or two but were not on my level..i was asked to leave but declined that request...now i have a large scratch on my back.

4. a few of my friends are twins. these are new friends, so it's hard for me to tell them apart. in reality, i still have no idea which one is which, but i know one of them has a girlfriend named elaine. in a room of 25 people who all could tell the difference between the two, i made it a point to never let that information get stuck in my brain. for some reason, this entertained the room for what seemed like hours, but was probably only 30 seconds of entertainment and 45 minutes of misery...had we repelled through the window, it would have been worth it.

5. there was a party. i was pretending to dance in a way of making fun of my friend and then the mother of all april fool's moments happened to me: i fell flat on my face into a puddle of beer. at this point, roughly 10:30 pm on a saturday night, i decided enough was enough and off it bed it was....of course, there was an elevator ride to go. i enter the elevator with a friend of mine (NOTE: if you are this friend, please let me know, i have no idea who it was and need more info about this encounter) and i see a woman in the elevator. who knows what i say to her but her response is amazing. she tilts her head to the side and goes "Small dick?" shocked/in love i stumble for a response. sober me would have responded "above average" because if you don't know at this point, where have you been. but about 16 hours later i am still floating on cloud nine about this experience when i realize the best comeback ever in that situation would have been "Well, it's better than an oversized labia"

weekend over, sunburn still here, above average.

passed out by 11 pm on saturday night and everyone else was up until 4. i'd like to believe i did enough damage though.

well, i am busy for another few days, so perhaps not too much will be here, but you never know.

in conclusion, the countdown to 1000 is at 985