Goodbye good buddy...

Today is moving day and a day to move on without a part of my life for the past 7 years.

Doyle has been a good friend these past 7 years. He's seen me do a lot of things....eat, drink, smoke, bone, smoke, drink, try to bone but too drunk...you get the point. But it's time to move on.

I'm moving in with the doctor today and by the end of the night, I will officially be living with the french girlfriend. You have to make sacrifices in a relationship and this is the first major one I am having to make. If it was a dog, there would be no way I would give hime up.

The truth is, while Doyle has always been a loyal pet (never once bit me, only tried to once and that was because he was nervous), I think he could be going to a better situation. I haven't been playing with him at all in the past 2 years, feeding him has been more of a chore than the enjoyment of watching a mouse get eaten by a snake and I've walked into my apartment at times and not even noticed that he was there. In short, I've been living like I haven't had him so why not let him go.

So I am sorry to Jeff Rakitt, Mo, Otis, Bach, Spencer, Faust, Andrew, Mom, Dad, Anneke, the inhabitants of Unit E who had him for a few months (I believe Timmy, Carissa, Erin, Alexis and Spears), my freshman year roommate Steven Samaniego who used to feed mice to Doyle using tongs - no person has ever love feeding a snake more - but the time has come to move on without our former roommate Doyle.
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I've learned through this process that craigslist is an amazing tool. I put the post up about Doyle around 11:25 and by 11:35 I had 3 people responding to me willing to take him off my hands...Actually, you can't post animals to craigslist so I had to post about a tank with a subtle reference to the fact that you would have to take the inhabitant as well.

It worked tremendously well. I can't believe how many walks of life are out there and just checking the boards that often. It's really a testament to the genius of the creator of craigslist...and to the internet.

So on this day of mourning, let us raise our glasses and remember that Doyle was a true friend to us all and will be missed....

things that are really irritating:

1. university of maryland graduation

why? because it starts at 7pm on sunday night. sunday f-ing night. who does that? honestly, it makes no sense. i couldn't get over the fact. the doctor tells me it would be really appreciated if i went to her sister's graduation. obviously, i am going to it and there is no way out. so the easy thing to do would be accept it. not me. i had to have an attitude about it....well, not that much of an attitude.

usually my graduation persona is to yell at graduates and make fun of all the speakers. couldn't even pull that off. even with the following 2 things that tried really, really hard to increase my chance of enjoyment:

1. the parents-in-law wanted to tailgate. so we had beer, wine and sandwiches. now, i used to make fun of their tailgate wackness because at an Indiana U football game, we followed the band around for a while and then returned to eat cheese and crackers. i had 7 beers in an hour. the other 4 of them had 7 beers combined in that hour...where's the love?

but this move moved them up in the props book. nice work parents to be.

2. we almost saw a fight...which is odd, considering graduation is a happy time. but it was over a parking spot. dude wanted the spot, which was being saved for a family member. now, if there is only 1 spot in the entire parking lot left and the car the spot is being held for is no where to be seen, then yes, that spot should be given up. but we are in a parking lot where we could see other open spots AND the car the spot was reserved for was waiting to go in. to recap the players involved:

1. a 50 year old man
2. a 20 year old kid
3. a 30 year old

now, player 2 was laughing at player 1 for being so immature. player 1 was threatening player 2. player 3 steps in to make this guy realize he is thretening a 20 year old...then he tells him so. then player 1 insults the mom, who he says should be in diapers. then the 17 year old security guard comes over to break off the near altercation. in the end, the family members got the car.

2 more highlights of the event:

1. the family then recaps the events of the near fight to each other (all who were present at the time of the altercation) for about the next 30 minutes...no exageration.

2. the doctor's dad decided to start taking photos of the entire event, to which player 3 later asked to have them sent to him for fun.

graduation. it's a commencement...and a commencement is a beginning...apparantly, it's a beginning of realizing that everyone is an asshole and this post was absolutely subpar.

my bad yo.

get me through another day....one more hour to go...30 more minutes to go. 10 minutes to go...can i go 5 minutes early? will anyone see me?

yes. yes they would. why? because as my dad says, "with your head shaved, you look like a shaved penis". true story, he did say that, but he also once said, "you're just not one of those kids that gets away with anything". few examples:

1. freshman year of college, i laid out for a disc after it had landed (because i was a stupid freshman, that's why). when i got up, i couldn't lift my shoulder...

2. well, there are a bunch of other things i could go into but it's not worth the embarrasment nor the fact that my work could be reading this since this is where i am sending it from..hence, no picture.

anyway, let's go back to my dad's shaved penis...um...comment. that's better. really, just record the way you write/say things and you'll be surprised about the way they look once you are don.

back to the story. going into sophomore year in high school, i had the butt hair cut...you know, the one with the part in the middle and the hair to the side. at soccer tryouts, the varsity players threatened to bic my head (ala nazi boot camp) if i didn't cut my hair. i was having a strong showing, so i stood a good chance to make the team and felt this to be a credible threat. so i bit the bullet and had a teacher at my school shave my head. it is a strange thing to look yourself in the mirror with a new look for the first time. i was somewhat taken aback about the handsome young man staring back at me and i decided to make out with the mirror. no i didn't.

so i had this hair cut and didn't cut it for 4 months. at this point, i had the catholic version of the jew fro. people were telling me to shave it again but i was nervous about it. i asked my parents and that's when the shaved penis line came out.

but does that make sense? i tell that story every now and again and people laugh. but what penis isn't shaved? wouldn't it be odder to look like a hair covered penis? i'm not talking about long hairs to cover the whole junk but what if you sprouted hairs from the tip on down? that would be odd. girls likely would be terrified of it and the ones that wouldn't be, i'm here to tell you that you should be terrified of them.

so yeah. shaved penis v. hair covered penis. it's not so much the debate over whether to circumcise or not, but it's worth some consideration.

Family Values...sort of

I was listening to the Howard Stern Show today and got to thinking. Joey Buttafuoco was the guest and he was being questioned about possibly getting back together with Amy Fisher, now that they are both getting divorced. For those unfamiliar, they used to bone and Amy Fisher shot his then wife, Mary Jo, in the face. She lived, there was some jail time and there was plenty to read and write about. Anyway, a comment was made about his children that got me thinking about families. More directly, a possible difference between a sons and fathers from families that are together versus those that are divorced.

So here we go:

My parents are still married. My dad recently turned 60 and that is a scary age to me. When I see phone calls from my parents house, I always wonder if this is the call that will alter my life forever. I am terrified of losing one of my parents. They have always been wonderful to me and I feel they raised me really well. I don't really want to experience a life without them, but these are the facts of life. Anyway, I got to thinking about what it would be like if one of my parens were to die and then the living one were to start dating again sometime in the future. I'm curious how I would take to this person. The one thing I know is that I will never be out at a bar competing for girls with my dad...or introducing dudes to my mom....it's just not happening.

But what about the divorced couple with children? Buttafuoco has a 27 year old kid and they both live in LA. Joey is pretty famous, because in this country, you can be famous for fucking a cat and living to tell the story/do the jail time.

So here's what I am wondering: does a divorced son go pimping with a divorcee? can you imagine the unintentional comedy that might result? they could pimp the same girl and then trade stories/tips for getting the girl. you could get seconds and ask in the middle of coitus, "whose better? me or dad?"

what if your dad is in his 50s or 60s and you are 25, but he is one of those dudes who young girls are into...or that you can learn a hell of a lot from? is that awkward? i cringe at the thought of another person with either or my parents. i guess that is one of those things you need to come to grips with as a child of a divorced couple.

and then there is the child born to the unwed couple. i guess they deal with similar issues.

i don't know. this is just something i got to thinking about today. it's an odd topic i guess. i hope no one is offended by this...afterall, children from divorced families are sensitive about this i guess...you know, because they were the reason their parents split.

the parents might say they are not, but can you honestly think that a man can get the image of a split, bleeding, poop filled gash out of his head when the wife's coochie is all healed up and they can finally start bonin again? you serious?

because it's not his fault he was told to film that...and it's not his fault he didn't know he was only supposed to film from the waist up. it's your fault. it's your moms fault. fuck it...it's bert's fault. f u bert.

not much to say today

i spent the last few days in tucson arizona. i don't so much like the terrain there...or at least i don't like the rock and cactus paradise it is. i like the mountains and the possibility of seeing things that will bite you (like rattlesnakes and lizards and all sorts of other desert wildlife) but i'm not such a big fan of tons of sand, no water and one level house because a second floor would get too hot. rejects.

anyway, check out this sweet picture:



isn't that awesome? unfortunately, it's not a real story but imagine if it would...right? that would be sweet. it would use this picture:



to describe that guy.

WOW. totally just realized the racist potential of using one black guy to describe another black guy. i'm not racist i swear...and i'm not saying that black people are rapist. nor am i saying that stupid people are racist. nor am i saying that pictures of coolio looking mofukas with the sign "stupidity" above their heads are rapists, actually stupid, actually coolio lookin, or even actually black. it's not cool to make assumptions man.

but to avoid racist overtones, lets just say that this picture:



could also be described using this guy:



of course, that's the opposite. buddy jesus would never rape another person or pose under a stupid sign. or allow his image to be used under a stupid sign. but we're not talking jesus. we're talking buddy jesus. he'd totally into whatever is popular. gmail...gchat...google maps...rape and pillage. you know, whatever's google.

imagine if google took over the shape of the universe? that would be totally google. actually, the more power they got, the more ooooo in gooooooooooogle.

and that makes me angry. down right pissed. there's only one person that can cheer me up. no. not buddy jesus. but an oldy but goody. my main man:



man, i miss him.

and to the person who commented on the last post, i don't know if clemens prorated deal brings the yankees over $200 million this season. he is getting $4.5 million per month and that comes to $18 million overall. i think they are around $180 million before, so this hopefully keeps them under....but then there is the luxury tax. oh well.

every kids dream

it's not often you get paid to play sports. not many people really do. if you were to crunch the numbers, what percentage of people in the world are paid athletes? it's can't be high, but i won't even wager a guess (.47%). not true. totally just made that up. it's really easy. try it. need some help? monkey's talk, but they have so much disdain for people, they won't talk around you. no respect.

want to try again? seasonal evolution. it's real. global warming is a myth invented to scare people, like when the threat level is raised...but it's more of a liberal threat than the "we just stopped a bomb from landing on your dog" republican threat.

but yeah, seasonal evolution. the seasons are slowly changing their patters and are starting later and later. given enough time, summer will be winter, winter summer, june will be february...you get the point. anyway, that was fun.

back to the topic at hand.....big announcement time.....


I AM NOW A PROFESSIONAL SLOW PITCH SOFTBALL PLAYER.

read that again......

it's true. this summer i will be getting paid to play softball. i'm am the firm team's manager. i get paid to fill up the cooler, find someone to carry the bat bag and get paid to hit the ball, catch the ball, throw the ball yada yada yada. afterwords, we always go out drinking. i don't get paid for that and let's face it, i'd be a bad professional drinker. i can't handle liquor, i only drink 2 nights a week and i get buzzed on 2 beers. in fact, if i were a professional drinker, it would be the right of every alcoholic to punch me in the face and kidney before starting any conversation with one of them ever. the ultimate poser i would be.

so yeah, i get paid to play softball. do you get paid to play sports? cause i do now. it's amazing. i get paid to essentially get fat, move slowly and take pinch runners whenever i want.

this is my biggest accomplishment.

enough of this already...

all right now. what is up jack? timmy? anyway, it's time to start some typing. it's been about a year, but i think i am finally not pissed off anymore. not sure what it is but it feels different. maybe it's the ultimate form of acceptance of this is who i am and what i do, but i don't really know. maybe i don't hate kickball anymore and that's why i was so pissed off all along. that seems incredibly unlikely and let's face it, it is.

but let's get down to this. to all the sports commentators, haters, anti yankee people out there...please, shut the fuck up. here is a list of a few things that people are saying a lot about currently that are just ignorant and uninformed:

1. please stop with the "the last team to have it's first save 22 games into the season was the 1972 tigers" or "only 4 teams have ended april 4 games under .500 this late in the season and made the playoffs. this is not good for the yankees" and a bunch of other shit like that.

first off, enough of the comparisons. comparing a sports team of today to a sports team of 20 years ago does not correlate. the culture, the attitude and the game is just not the same anymore. the comparisons don't carry over. secondly, those 4 teams that made the playoffs after ending april more than 3 games under .500 all did it in the past 2 seasons and some twice (padres)...in fact, the yankees WERE ONE OF THOSE TEAMS. fuck.

2. please stop saying the yankees just buy new players and are bad for baseball with their $200 million payroll.

first of all, it's under 200 million now...way under. ok, down to around 170 or 180 million. but please bitch, they have been trying. they trade gary sheffield and randy johnson in the offseason...that's 30 mil right there. they got yonger with those trades, and not guys they can use right now. they are working for the future and trying to win with what they got. their rotation is in shambles because of injuries, so they are bringing up young players to win that way. they are not trading prospects, they are not shelling out money anymore. they are playing the game responsibly. i'm not saying that people should start to root for them or even relax their desire to see the yankees lose every game. i'm saying, respect their efforts and respect their new methods.

besides, most of the haters here say that steinbrenner will go buy anyone. he won't because he can't. he's not in charge anymore. cashman has made that pretty clear. the gm runs the show. that's why torre is still the manager, that's why they didn't make any major signings in the off season (they could have shelled out millions for gil meche or ted lilly) and didn't.

3. it's getting much harder to not freak out at every yankee loss with all these idiots around me.

this is the year i try not to break a chair, rip a pair of pants in half, rip the head off my snake's dinner (i.e. a mouse*) due to the yankees poor performance. i'm doing pretty well. (*= no mouse was decapitated...though i hold it as an option because it sounds cool). but if these rejects don't lay off me, i could go postal and i'm pretty sure it will lead to a heart attack at 26, which has to be a record for a kid like me who runs like 15 miles a week.

but shit bitch, i started this thing saying i'm not angry anymore and here i am, angry again. but then again, the yanks are up 10-0 and this could be the game that starts them in the right direction.

so i'm going to try and find some time from, um, time to time to post some more. shoot me some feedback if you like and check out www.playcalvinball.blogspot.com, because bert needs your love too.