I can't be held responsible for the things I say or write...


When it is finally OK

It's not right to hit a woman. It's not right to hit anything of the female gender for the most part. However, like any rule, there are always exceptions. When it comes to beating your wife, in today's culture, at least in what us damn yankees consider today's culture, you really have no excuse ever to beat your wife...unless, like me, you watched Monday night's episode of 24.

You see, the president had a choice: give up the russian prime minister's motorcade route or have centox gas detonated in america, killing hundreds of thousands...Obviously, you take 2 casualties over hundreds of thousands. the president made a tough call and probably the same one the russian president would have made had he been in that situation.

what does martha do? she gets in the motorcade with the russian prime minister and wife. as a result, aaron, the secret service guy, aka the reason jack bauer is free right now and walt cummings hung himself, has to go with her. what a bitch.

so the president finds out what the wife has done and now he is in the position of sacrificing his wife or hundreds of thousands of american citizens. he does the right thing...he assumes the bitch is gone and while wallowing in self pity, has enough decency to be pissed at her even while he is looking at old photos of her.

in the end, CTU finds out about the threat and gets an alert to secret service. a shoulder fired missile blows up the front of the russian pm's car and aaron is knocked out, possibly dead. he comes to as some chechnian dude is firing a flame thrower at a flame retardant car and shoots the terrorists around the car...aaron is the man, martha is a slutbong.

so the president finds out martha and the pm are ok. episode ends.

if i were the writer or the president, here is what i would do:

me: "martha, i'm glad you're alive. what you did was stupid"
martha: "i had t...OUCH, WHAT THE...OUCH...OUCH...OUCH"
me: "like i said, i'm glad you're ok because i personally want to beat the ever loving piss out of you for fucking with my business"

i would then proceed to beat her unmercifully about the face and face (highway style). i'd go easy on the face because you can only explain so much to the press. but i would beat her feet to the point where no doctor would be able to fix that shit without at least 5 surgeries. smack smack smack crakalalalalalalala. seriously, there is never a time to beat your wife unless she completely fucks you over like on 24. why, you ask, beat the feet? you ever hurt your foot before? it hurts like a bitch to walk...try having two busted feet....get in your wheelchair...for a long time. sit and think about why you are a dumb bitch.

you know what, i know it is a show and all, but i think the writer needs a beating for putting that in there.

also, if GwB were to beat tipper gore or whoever his wife is because she pulled some shit like this, i would vote for him for 4 more years...why? because you can mess with a man's business from time to time, but you don't put your stank ass inbetween hundreds of thousands of people who didn't try to save the russian pm...who will no doubt now pull some shit because no one is that stupid to not figure out just how the chechies got the motorcade route.

this is my worst post ever.

moving takes its toll

it's been nearly a week...that's too long. unfortuneately, i don't have the time right now...i'm actually busy at work. no seriously, i don't have time to write on a blog due to my work load even though i started the blog based on my work load. work load. that's kind of funny. like you have your home load and then your work load. your work load knows about your home load but doesn't care because the possibility for leaving home is always there...even if the work load realizes the remote possibility of this, the work load holds out hope for the one in a million chance of it happening. all the while the home load knows nothing about this and carries on in that sweet home load way. but what happens if work load and home load conspire together to trap you forever? then it would be like this thought i had while walking past a homeless man's carboard home. what if he had someone chained up in there with a gag or something so you couldn't make noise? then you would be trapped and due to the complexity of the cardboard home one could only assume it had been there for a while...so you're f-ed. no chance whatsoever of surviving or getting out. this is what would happen if work load conspired with home load. at work, the work load is always on your back and at home the home load is always nagging, look at the baby look at the baby, anyway, don't let this happen to you. i know a guy, well i knew a guy who had this happen to you. when i knew him he was 6'1 white dude, athletic with a strong personality...now he's a 5'1 asian dude with receiding hairline, no concept of any language and to top it off, the personality of peter griffin's pet rock that always pee's on the carpet....you don't want this.


as always, remember, hate is for the children

i like it when i get roasted in a comment after one of my ramblings. i like it more when someone insults my use of the english language and i think the reason is that i look at this as one giant personal email. i have no reason to use capital letters or proper punctuation or anything like that. sometimes i spell check but that's the closest i come to caring about how "intelligent" my writing makes me look. to be completely honest with you, and i'm surprised some haven't figured this out yet, but i wear corduroy and, as you should know, that means i'm affluent bitches. i went to private high school, i could write a comp assignment in 45 minutes back in my hay day. shit fools, i used to get paid for my thesis statements....in the illustrious words of wesley snipes, "it's hard god damn work being this good". you think it's easy trying to sound like a retard without trying? truth is, a retard couldn't be able to do what i do...you know why? because that person is retarded and can't type or write sentences or even fragments. advantage: me.

i know what you're saying...i may have horribly proved a point, but now i'm going to hell. that's not true. i've done my fair share of working with the mentally challenged...and the place was called the association for retarded citizens. it's great when you have that on your resume and in an interview people get to that part and pause because it may not be "politically correct" to use that term. well, it is, or at least they haven't been sued to change it yet, so i going to spread the word. at least, i'm going to spread the word when i'm on topic. the last thing i need right now is to go around calling people retarded and then having a freakishly strong retard kick the retard out of me and then i would become retarded....oh sweet irony.


one mistake...so much criticism

so my previous entry left out a word and entirely changed the meaning on what i was writing (dare i say, taken out of context? no, i shouldn't because that simply doesn't make sense). it was supposed to read "i'm not exactly sure why..." not "i'm exactly sure why..." so to you, 6.8 readers, i apologize for letting you down.

but i think there is something you need to realize. i'm not perfect. i know i know, when i speak i leave no room in my own mind that i could be wrong and refuse to hear what others say if they disagree but i admit that i can make mistakes. hey, it's the mistakes i make that get the best headlines like:

"Kid dressed in all red throws game winning throw to other team" once again, my bad
"Fat kid tacos captain...hilarity does not ensue" once again, my bad

but in reality, it's these moments that make me try to learn from my mistakes in a effort not to relive the past. for example, bert and i were playing a friendly game of spin the toy, throw the ball at the toy. no one got hurt but the computer got ruined. on the bright side, no one got hurt.

so that's about all i got. i've been thinking of taking this thing off of blogspot and getting my own domain name because it's 9 bucks a year and that is not expensive. my brother in law informs me that if i know what i am doing it's not all that complicated. i don't know what i'm doing, so i guess it is complicated to run a website. in reality, all i want is the counter at the bottom to see how many people read this thing. i think what will happen is the first month or so i will get a lot of hits and then that will change because people will stop caring. i will make a chart of people's attentiveness and because it's my own site, i will graph this and use smilily faces to describe how the number of hits makes me feel. it's not such a bad idea but i guarantee it could be the worst website of all time and definitely would have nothing on boobswithshirtson.com

that website would be awesome


i'm in a bad mood

i'm exactly sure why, but i am. so f-you a-hole.

chill out hippies

so dick cheney shot someone...big fucking surprise. you think this was the first time this happened? is you that ignant?

anyway, so dick shot a friend of his BY ACCIDENT. that's important to keep in mind. if he shot someone on purpose while hunting, then there might be more than a 2 hour story here. see, it's important, because he is the vp, to let people know that he had this accident while hunting because it's important to know everything about your politicians, no matter how minute...i don't believe this personally, but that is what the hippies tell me. anyway, all that needed to be said was that dick the dick shot someone with a pellet from his shotgun shell and the guy is in the hospital. we hope he will be ok, yada yada yada heart attack yada too old to operate yada yada he will be fine. 2 hours. good to go.

but no. the hippies are outraged. dick cheney was involved in the first hunting accident ever! oh my god, i can't believe it. in a sport where nothing ever gets hurt and nothing ever goes wrong, the vp shot someone! how will my life go on!

please, he fucking shot someone by accident. the man is not horribly disfigured and the man is not dead...Fortunately. however, this is the biggest thing to happen for the hippies in a while, so lets run with it as much as possible.

but he should have told us sooner! why didn't he tell us sooner!

fuck off. there's nothing better than a wife and child who find out their husband/father has been shot by turning on the 6 o'clock news. the first thing on my mind when i shoot someone is not getting the man help, rather it is calling up good ole NBC, CBS, CNN and FOX and telling them that i just shot someone in between catching my breath from running to the phone because i was in such a hurry to let the world know...and when they ask how he is doing and the phone goes dead because he didn't think to save the man first he gets lambasted for letting the media know right away that he shot someone.

chill out hippies. you found out. your life didn't change as a result of dick cheney not telling you that he nearly killed a friend of his immediately. have some freakin decency for people's privacy. i understand you want to know every little mistake your political enemies make, but you play no part in this whatsoever.

but this is just another example of the bush administration keeping secrets.

WHAT'S THE SECRET? cheney shot someone. he has since broken his silence and explained what happened. he didn't even have to do that but since the hippies were all up in arms he had to. he had to explain what happened while he was out on his personal time and there was an accident. if you go out drinking one night and fall over and get a black eye, are you supposed to sit down in front of your entire office the next work day and make a statement about what happened on your free time? because dick cheney shot his friend by accident, does that make him even less fit in your eyes to be second in command of this country? if your answer is yes, then you are a hippie. and if you are a hippie you need 3 things:
1. a shower
2. lay off the petruli
3. chill the fuck out. it's not like he is on the front lines and it's not like he carries weapons to his meetings.

it was a hunting mistake.

nothing in your life changed between saturday afternoon and sunday evening as a result of this information not being passed out. this is not a matter of national security. and maybe, if your complaint is that the bush administration is so secretive about what happens, you should realize that this may be a trend and if you haven't realized this is their policy by now, i should shoot you with some bird shot.


and tell craig he can feast on it

so i found out today i got an apartment...excellent. this apartment was listed as a 10 minute walk to the rosslyn metro. it didn't list how many blocks it was and it was actually a 10 minute walk from the metro. i feel earl because karma has dealt me a good hand.

so, now i can tell craigslist to feastonadik. for two straight weeks i have had it open on my desktop while i work constantly refreshing the screen to see the taylor place apartments offering good prices in terrible location....who in their right mind wants to live off of 395? deciding between commuting on 395 or 66 is like deciding if you want to committ suicide or let jack bauer interrogate you. if you don't watch 24, let me give some insight:

so committing suicide kind of blows because you know you are going to die and that your life is over and if you have to do it before jack bauer gets you, you don't get to say good bye.

but if jack bauer gets you, there are no rules and odds are you are going to die because everyone on 24 dies...even jack bauer. he's just so gangster that he is able to be revived by an adrenaline shot as opposed to the rest of humanity which need more standard methods like doctors or have their heads fused to that of a dog or something. anyway, the whole "there is no line and it is my life's duty to prove that" theory that i have devoted the last few years of my life is nothing to the misery that would become you if you had information that jack bauer thought would help protect the good ole' U.S. of A. i mean, the guy will cut your eyes out if he has to. he once convinced a terrorist that he murdered his two children. plain and simple, jack bauer is a dick and terrorists are his prostitutes, well you know what i'm saying. he will pound you unmercifully until you are dry and then he will take sandpaper...filter filter filter.

anyway, plain and simple, i am happy about my new apartment. new floors, new kitchen , new bathroom, dishwasher, laundry machine IN MY CLOSET!!!! beat that bitches! that part is a shortcoming, but having your own laundry machines in your apartment or house is amazing. no waiting for the cycles to run (and guys don't have any fun with spin cycle anyway) and no having to run to the store to get quarters or anything. just pure, unadultorated washing of clothes...now if i only had a place to hang my clean clothes i would be set..but beggers can't be choosers. they can only ask how many blocks the apartment is from the metro and hope they are being told the truth.

It happened again

cheap rent and all utilities included!! too good to pass up because it's only 5-6 blocks from the metro and we all know, thanks to steve-o, a block is roughly 1/10 of a mile...

and then it happens. google maps never lets me down and when i put the address in, the place is closer to 15-16 blocks to the metro. maybe you are saying that the person meant metro bus stop...she didn't. it said ballston metro station. that's just not cool. they have laws against companies and false advertisements, why don't they have the same laws for morons and housing advertisements?

anyway, i wish i could put photos on this blog but i haven't figured out how...i tried to cut and paste but that didn't work. i've done all i know how, so if anyone out there has an idea of how to do this, i would appreciate some tips.


It's me, so it's bound to come out the wrong way

so i got my new officemate today. i walk in and the computer is set up and their are personal items on the desk and everything. i knew this was happening, she knew this was happening, the boss knew this was happening and every other paralegal knew this was happening. i spoke about this with most of the paralegals and the boss. i never asked for a new officemate, in fact lobbied hard against it. i figured since it was guaranteed to happen and everyone was informed of this, the least that could happen was that the new officmate would at least roll up and let me know it was going down.

this did not happen. so now, i am at a loss for what my next action will be. i can:
A. Ask her why she never came to me and asked if this was ok (fyi, there are currently 3 other shared offices with only one person in them)
B. not say anything and just give off venom for let's say, the next 6 months
C. deal with it and move on amicably
D. realize that it will likely not be such a big deal and at the same time understand that i will probably enjoy work more since i will have someone to joke around with.

but this is me and qp so we all know what's going to happen...in fact, all four of the above are going to happen. firstly, i'm going to start with B. make petty jokes like i'm cool with it, but at the same time in no way make an effort for conversation...let is stew boy let it stew. as time goes on, there will be feelings of C but these feeling will be lost when A comes out. good old "i told myself i wasn't going to do this but here it comes and oh man i can't believe i am saying this and why can't i stop but i just keep going oh no i just said something i didn't mean and now i have to make something up to get me out of that tight spot and oh no another mistake and holy shit i am going to get fired for being such an asshole but since i'm going to get fired i should just drop the mother of all bombs(HELLO NSA) so that people will never forget me and oh man i hope someone just recorded that because no one will believe i just said that" and now i'm spent. so once that happens and i hopefully am still gainfully employed, i guess i will move onto D. but come on. how well do you people know me? this is definately something i will be bitching about well into the 2008....but at least we'll have something to talk about during the summer olympics.


Give thanks to thy holy P.R. Machine

I like to take a brief moment to complain about the way wayne gretzky has been treated in the past week and at the same time, point out the geniuses who were michael jordan's pr people.

first of all, gretzky did nothing wrong. he denied any knowledge of the gambling ring. some sport talk shows have said there is no way that a wife would be able to place over $100,000 in bets in a month without her husband knowing. then charles barkley was asked if he would know if his wife was spending this much money...his answer...most definately not. people with that much money pay people to take care of their money. people with that much money have significant others who will spend a lot of money and be able to play it off. i can get away with spending $40 on a purchase and say to myself that is the largest purchase i can comfortably make for the next two weeks. i make next to nothing. people like gretzky who have made millions and are still worth millions look at 100K like I look at 40 bucks.

moving forward because that is slightly off point, gretzky has been critized for going to the olympics to support canada. the man is a living legend in canada. you know what people think about gretzky right now in canada? he is still a legend and his wife is yoko ono. all gretzky has done in his life is become the face of hockey. the best player to ever play. he was not a jerk on the ice and he was always gracious. he doesn't necessarily associate with the smartest of people but he has never run afowl of the law. i guess you could say, he is not a dick.

then there is michael jordan. the greatest basketball player of all time. one of the most amazing atheletes any of us have ever seen play. let's look at one characteristic that mj is know for:
1. fierce competitor no matter the sport.
so fierce that he would try to push his teammates to the top of their game no matter how cruel he had to be. so fierce that he would place bets of hundreds of thousands of dollars on single golf shots. so fierce that his gambling debts may have been the reason why his father was murdered. all of this and when has their ever been negative press about him? i'm not necessarily saying there should be because i was a fan and was amazed by what he could do on the court, but the least the guy could do would be to hold a press conference in the next week to announce just how gangster his PR machine was. MJ was one of the reason the NBA became so popular and has spread so far. everyone remembers the "Like Mike" campaign and any basketball fan has or has had Air Jordans on their feet. the guy has an entire branch of NIKE built around him...and with all of this, in a country like america where you are loved when you first get famous but then we just sit back and wait for you to be discovered with a tranny in your car one lonely night and then tear you and everything you stand for to pieces do we jump on you like the parana did to Richard Pryor in the movie "The Toy" MJ survived with little to nothing against him....

and that is the bullshit that is what is happening to gretzky. someone name something he has done that can be considered morally wrong or make him anything less than the sports idol he is? this attempt to destroy him is so premature and pathetic that it makes me think the sports media and the media in general, since this story has hit all the news stations as well, are more bored than i am...and i really don't think that's possible because i have a blog and there's no excuse for that.

did i just have my first grown up moment?

i'm bored. really bored. and i don't mean right now. i mean in general, i am bored. it snowed about 4 inches and it was the least exciting snow storm ever. it didn't stick until late at night and it wasn't snowing when i woke up. every place that got snow apparently got leveled except for where i was. tv coverage of places in DC made it look like there were blizzard conditions all around but when i looked out the window, i saw concrete. in NYC there was 26 inches of snow...how boring is it down here that we can't even get half of that? if we got half of that, it would have been awesome. considering most schools in the area are closed today based on the nothing that is on the ground, imagine what would had happened with over a foot of snow? it would be pure lockdown mode in the city. but then again, if the federal government were to close, then it would be possible that i would not have to come into work....and then, i would be bored. why? because i was so bored yesterday that i was looking forward to coming to work. not because i really like being here or anything, but because if i am here, it means i have something to do. right now i am doing something and it is slow and painful...but yesterday, i was watching speed skating and downhill skiing....not that boring of sports, but when you watch the same thing the day before, it just takes away some if not all of the fun...that's where i am in my life right now, bored. too bored to do anything about it because i think i might be the only bored person. everyone i called yesterday to play football with was asleep until 2...i guess their lives are exciting enough that they had a reason to stay out and have the amount of fun required to keep you asleep until 2.

the fun that i created for myself was this blog...but i was too bored to type because i figured what ever i wrote would come out as boring as my day was, kind of like this post is coming out as bitter i am feeling right now.

i can't even think of one thing that has made me laugh today and usually i can find something like this on the metro because there is always someone to laugh at on the train who is clearing having "one of those days". you know the people who look like they were drunk all night and wake up a complete mess and then proceed to bump into people on the train or drop everything they are carrying or if you are really lucky, trip on the escalator and scream out an uncontrolled noise that's just all around embarrasing? i could have really used one of those to get my morning going. instead, i am just remembering that i had 3 friends with birthdays in the past week, but i can't remember the exact dates. instead of taking the chance and calling on the wrong day, i took the easy way out and didn't call. whatadick. so now i must prepare myself for the "i'm an asshole but happy belated birthday" call to which the usual response is "oh, don't worry about it". see, that is just boring and typical. what would be hilarious would be if the person told you off and while doing so, gave away the actual date of their birthday. something like "it's been two days..." and then you are set for the following year. of course, i did make a premature call, like 4 days in advance and was told the actual date...but if forgot....i really am that bored.


sales pitch

if you think about it, it sells itself. in no way would this site be offensive to anyone. it doesn't discriminate. you don't have to be a woman to make the site, you just needs boobs. be them big boobs, small boobs, boob salad, boobs covered entirely by a shirt, boobs covered barely with a shirt, whatever. the only rule is that there must be a shirt.

but it's not just about the picture. it's all about the brand. to be a good salesman, you have to be the brand and you have to promote the brand. for example, if approaching someone about getting their picture for the site, you can't ask "hey, can i take your picture for my website?" you have to use the site in the question and not just in the end after asked "sure, what is your website" because that's cheating. you have to say "would you like to be on boobswithshirtson.com" or "you would be great on boobswithshirtson.com, can i have your picture?" be the brand, sell the brand, ask them if you can take their boobs and put them on boobswithshirtson.com.

i think this could work, i really do. and i don't want to sound perverted or anything, because i'm not. all i am doing is taking an idea that i came up with 3 scotches in and running with it. no ones face would be on the site, unless they preferred it that way or the picture was too good to pass up. but the picture could be cropped...i'm not saying this will be the best site ever, but it's would get passed around through email forwards and in the end, that's the pinacle of any cheesy website's career.

be the brand. boobswithshirtson.com

say it with me now...

Pops Mensah Bonsu!

special thanks to pops playing another great game, proving once more that i have no idea what i am talking about when it comes to college basketball. baseball i kind of have an idea and football i think i do a pretty ok job with but college basketball and me is like a homophobe at a halloween drag race...it just doesn't mix.

i played butts up today for the first time since i was in 8th grade (no homo). it was awesome. i have deadly accuracy with a tennis ball, so if you ever want to play, you best bring your A game or i'm sending a tennis ball straight at your Z gap.

other than that i am bored...really really bored. that's why this blog is hear but i am too bored to blog.

olympics are on and that nbc song is the jam. i'm going to do that now, so while i'm away, think hard about www.boobswithshirtson.com and look forward to a sales pitch to come in the near future.

ouch, my head hurts...a lot

so bert. i guess we didn't need that tequila shot after all, but you know what? merc happens

two quality websites were fiqured out last night. the first is a good one www.boobswithshirtsonthem.com essentially, this site would be to porn what the howard stern show on terrestrial radio. you would search around the site looking for that hidden shot of shirtless boob, but hell no. not on this site. this site is rated "g". it's fashion...and it's boobs. but they have shirts on, so it's cool.

the other is www.theantifilter.com. this would be a collection of everyone's thoughts and rantings. i'm pretty sure it would be 98% crappy, but that 2% would make spending the money on purchasing the domain name completely worth it.

and with that, i need to go curl up into the fetal position


First you plant the seed

and then you fuck the plant

it's mr. wetzel of wetzel's pretzels birthday. he successfully blew out the candles...it was most nostlgic. everyone had that feeling like it was slo mo and there was some eerily depressing indie rock song on in the background....naturally, i couldn't pass up the opportunity to ruin the moment so the "anal sex in '06" cheer had to come out...it worked, but it doesn't rhyme as good as more chicks in '06 which mcneary came up with, so i started "semantics in '06". it works well and it makes it really easy to piss people off. i recommend you try it sometime. and it's spreading, so feel free to spread the word...that is if you're a plagarizer and no one wants that...do you? didn't you learn that in 6th grade after you learned that when a vagina bleeds it't not blood?

and there we have it...the first stream o'consciouness comment that offends every female reader...i'm so proud of myself and at the same time WHY CAN'T I STOP. maybe a little overboard on the caps, but the alter ego made me do it...can't stop won't stop,right brent?

hate is for the children

analysis is for analysts(sp) and Hennessey is for coke....you wanna know whose my role model?

anyway, i had to come back so quickly because i left the o.c. off of my list of fox shows. that's right, i watch it...WHAT?! but i wanted to say about last night. fuck marissa cooper. fuck her in her gashtastic z-gap and then when she's old and hairy, fuck on her plastic covered couch.

that girl has run away everytime there has been a disagreement. you know what ryan should do? he should bone that sadi girl...and he should film it. but if he had to choose, he should choose to bone. it would be pretty funny, make for at least 3 episodes of drama and in the end, this show can finally end. anyway, he should bone sadi because marissa deserves it. now i can feel for her that her friend was drunk, fell off a cliff and died (like a wangster) but this whole saying to ryan "you're glad he's gone aren't you?" crap is too drama queen for me. "drama queen want some drama...she got it...WHAT!"

new thought, skiing is based on intoxication. was anyone actually upset when their heard bode miller say he has skied wasted? i'm sorry, but if you say such words as burly, narley, nar nar pow pow on the mao mao, then you need to be slap slap slap in the douche bag. but seriously, does anyone know anyone who goes skiing and doesn't do it while drinking or smoking the pot? name one skiing movie that wasn't filled with morons getting hammered and doing hilarious things. saying skiers don't get wasted is like saying private school kids don't do drugs...i should know...i'm affluent...look at my corduroy, it says it all.

The thing about puddles is...

they're always filled with merc...i know what your thinking and yes, it bothers me too.

let's talk television and why fox wants arrested development to fail.

firstly, they claim the show wasn't popular at the 8:30 pm sunday slot. so they replaced it with that show with michael rappaport. are you serious? if anyone knows his character's name or the name of anyone else associated with that show, please by all mean, stab yourself in the eyes. moving on, i can't remember if season two remained on sunday night or not, but it's not all that important...i mean, how important is having all of the facts when you are trying to make a point? only jerks provide all of the information and i'm not a jerk...i'm a moron with a computer. anyway, so then after the miracle that was fox deciding to sign the show for a 3rd season, they put it on monday night. monday night is the equivalent to a popular/successful tv night as wingmen are to wanting to hang around after boning the hot girls fat friend...it's just not gonna happen. so it's no surprise the show didn't do well and now is cancelled....but wait, a 2 hour series finale!!! we could make a night of it...but no. fox has it in for this show. it goes head to head with the opening ceremonies of the olympics and boring as they may be, people who stay in on friday nights don't laugh ever and watching a comedy just isn't in the cards....advantage olympics, death to arrested development and in the illustrious words of chris gallahger, fuck the olympics.

but then there is that feeling i get while typing this....i think i'm addicted to fox television. not the crappy skating with celebraties crap, but prison break, 24, arrested development and house. damn, those shows are good. i can't get in the mood right now, but come monday night or tuesday, i'm all over 24.....wow, q.p. live just pointed out how i contradicted myself...24 is successful, arrested development is not and both were on monday night..but, but, but, before you call me a a-hole, let's reevaluate the situation. 24 is on at 9 pm and there is no football to compete with. A.D. was the lead up to MNF and if you are committing yourself to MNF, you don't necessarily have the time to devote that early hour to doing nothing, unless you are a student....or don't have a job

WOW, i just saw a commericial for prison break. i can't believe i'm still typing because usually i wet myself after seeing these commericials and then i have to go to the little girls room (because i spend all my time at my gashes apartment((plural gash)). so now that i'm in trouble for that comment let me get back to prison break...this wasn't your usual commericial. this bad boy was a montage and it was worth the free balling that is now tonight.

I get confused sometimes, but i swear I'm not making this up

OK, first question...how long is a block? Second question...does the standard definition for the length of a block differ depending on which system you traditionally use?

So I am in the apartment business and by business I mean I am looking to rent an apartment. My desires are not outrageous. I'm looking for a two bedroom place where I will pay no more than $800 a month after utilities. I am looking exclusively in Virginia and within walking distance to a metro. So far, two places have fit my requirements (actually 3, but I missed out on one). The first one was listed as 3 blocks from the metro. It is February. The day I went to see the place was not traditional February cold, but it was around 50 degrees outside. Well, 8-10 blocks into the walk, I am sweating and thinking outloud to myself and friend, NCSpud, "Why would they say this place is 3 blocks from the metro?" So after we leaving the apartment complex I ask the person who showed us the apartment how far the metro is. She says 3 blocks using the shortcut. So we take the shortcut back and low and behold, it's still not 3 blocks. We chalk this up to her trying to sell the place as much as possible.

So fast forward to right now. I call a place listed at $1500 2 bedroom 2 bathroom all utilities included. I practically sprinted off the metro to call this person when I saw the ad. I ask him the address and I recognize the location as close to my current abode....which is 1.5 miles from the metro. I ask him how far from the metro this place is...he says 2 blocks.

Which brings me back to my inital question. Do people who rent apartments have some sort of scale for a block system that I am not aware of? I give myself 4 blocks in the summer time here in DC before my monkey suit gets to me and out comes the sweat. Nothing says "I feel great today" like sweating at 8:30 in the morning on a weekday on the way to work.

Moving forward, since when did it make less sense to live in Virigina over DC? The only difference is the price in car insuarance. I have seen plenty of places in DC that are cheaper than some of the miserable places out in VA. As a person who makes more than nothing but less than something, I understand I am not going to live in a "nice" apartment until I moblize to globalize my financial situation. but until that new job with redicuously higher salary for equal to less work comes around, out in VA I will be.

A funny think I just realized 3.4 seconds ago is that these cheaper places available in DC are in the ghetto (read that like cartman for full effect please) or in the Glover Park area. I think this is because of the lack of proximity to the metro train stations. But if you think about it like I think about it, the only difference between waiting for a bus and waiting for a train is that you get to wait indoors at most metro train stops...advantage Metro train. However, while this might make more sense for rush hour times, what about off peak hours, which include weekdays post morning rush and pre evening rush hours and all weekends, which for some reason in the tourist capital of the world, the trains run every 78 minutes? With the metro bus, you can lolly gag your way down the street becuase most buses stop every block or two...now, I know what you are saying because Q.P. Live is saying it too...how long are the blocks? Advantage Metro Bus because you can make progress while waiting.

As I check craigslist once more, there are 2 bedroom places for over $1600 a pop in walking distance to the metro! are you f-ing serious? Do people live in VA for purposes other than cheaper living? What's the point to live in VA if you do everything else in DC if the price is the same? Of course, I would follow this had I not lost when I fought the law....but it's cool, in 18 months GEICO and me will be boys, so I guess I will see you then.

In the beginning, there were 2

But in reality, there is 1...Q.P. Live and Me. Split personality is the only explanation, but to try and explain it further would make no sense to me, you or that guy who occasionally gets control of my thought process. That's Q.P. Live. That flashy mofuka with his corduroy jacket but he hasn't been the same since he lost his hat...It really brought the outfit together.

But anyway, as this is my first ever waste of time let's get some words on paper/computer screen post into the infinite abyss that is this blog, I guess I should give some ideas for subject matter....well, there will be sports talk, there will be ranting, there will be such entries as "I can't believe this person really thought that was a good idea" and "I fucking hate you and this is why". In the end, this will be my outlet, but I think that is what these blogs are for.

To begin, I've had weird dreams the last few nights. Most notably was last night. I dreamt that I got off of a metro car to wait for the next train. Then the metro cars door didn't close, but the conductor didn't care because this is DC and no one in the service industry cares, so why the hell should the conductor. Anywho, the train then proceeded to lose control just before it was entirely in the tunnel and the back car, the one I was previously on with the still open door, jacknifed and then slammed into the wall next to the tunnel. It was pretty freaky to be completely honest and I felt as if I was right there. In the end, I woke up at 2:50 am and was slightly freaked out.

Until I fell back asleep and dreamt I shaved half my beard off in a drunker stooper the night before a workday in a effort to save myself some time in the morning. By half I mean the right cheek was clean and the left was full of the scruff that is my beard. That's just wasn't cool. People who shave half of the facial hair is the ultimate "Look at me, I'm comfortable with who I am" but it's also a major "Why won't anyone hug me" statement. Seriously, if you do something like this, you need some genital attention...and by genital attention, you need me to kick you in the nuts.

Productivity calls, so off I am.