it's been too long

sorry about the absence. allow me to go through some things you have missed in the time we have been apart:

i went to a high school graduation last night. in the program they hand out as you walk in, it asks that people "do not holler comments" or use any kind of horn or anything else when the childs name is called. can people really believe anyone will listen to this? while graduating high school might not be what it used to, let the people celebrate...a lot of these people are going onto community college or no college at all, so let them and their families enjoy the life accomplishment that is a high school diploma...no sarcasm here.

i went to a nationals game on sunday...we sat behind the scoreboard but that didn't mean they could keep me off of the jumbotron. i was walking around the stadium with a few people when we spotted the camera guy about to put a group of people, quite familial looking, on the tron. 4 names called me out and told me to run up and get in, so i sprint up the stairs...at this point, the people on the aisle look like i have put the fear of God in them and they quickly shift to the side...then i reach across half of the people in the shot and make sure to get my face all over that nasty...qplive bitches, ya heard? later on the camera guy was near our section and so was the mascot, Screech. I started to holler at screech (sorry to the Howard County School System for hollering) and he turned to me and pointed to his eye and then me...then i started to do this dance where you swing your hips in a circle with as little arm movement as possible. the camera was panned back to me at this point and i am told screech was doing the same dance....sweet.



that's my dog...or eagle. whatever.

give back to the people

that's what it's all about here at the corporation that is qpliveandme....or maybe it's more of a conglomerate. i couldn't tell you. an infant has more business knowledge than i do. i would run my business like i tend to run my life: don't piss me off and we're cool. once you piss me off, be prepared to take an over the top insult that exaggerates how much you irritated me and then accept my apology but understand one simple thing: should you do it again, i will instantly remember the last time you did it and need a 4 week break from you. and that's likely why owning my own business would never work. i'd get a pushy customer and probably deep fry his hand. then lawsuits would follow and i'd do my usual "it wasn't my fault" which always seems to fail and then there would be all this legal mess and frankly, i'd miss my favorite shows like scrubs and wouldn't be too happy about that and therefore i don't feel like dealing with it.

anyway, it was brought to my attention that i need to show support to those that support me. so i found this picture that perfectly details what's going on in my friends life right now. understand that calling for a shot out up here in the conglomerated zone essentially becomes what i would do at your roast, so here we go:



as i wrote and then deleted my first 4 sentences, i realized that it is entirely likely that my man top(das) shelf may in fact share this miserable thing you are reading with the special lady in his life. while i'd love to embarrass him right here and as a by product ruin his relationship, i'd like to thing i have a soul and don't want to do that to him...that and i just recently watched "Remeber The Titans" and as a result have been in an incredible mood since...ask spud master funk, he was there.

anyhow, i'd like to say thanks to you for reading, writing and possibly even reciting...and for getitng your balls wet...and if she don't like it, there's always this option:

hey buddy

recognize him? that's a good lookin picture. it's 8:34 pm and guess what!!! i'm at work. what a freakin haven of dirt this is... so i'm waiting to possibly be told i can go home. been waiting for 40 minutes. any second now the attorneys could walk in and say that i can go home. so i figured why not look for some good pictures on the internet...this was a good one, right? proud of me? i amn't

anyone else pick up on the trend that when i see a picture and write a story about it, i hardly ever realize what it's a picture of? like the tooth that i thought was bran? or the random animal i thought was a squirrel...it wasn't. i like to go with however the picture makes me feel and not the other way around.

so i hope you enjoy this in the am or when ever...time to go home

this is blatant false advertisement

If i had to wager a guess, I would say that this piece of bran does not in fact love sugar. I would say the bran is upset that it needed sugar to make it more appealing. Afterall, you want people to like you for you, not because you hang out with cool jonnie with the flowing locks of hair that make the women go "ohh jonnie you hottie" and the guys go "i wish i had jonnie's hair"...you follow?

but seriously, it's these kinds of things that are ruing the fabric of our country. that sad piece of bran probably has a pleasant life in the beginning, just a piece of bran slowly going down the production line with the rest of its friends and family and then out of nowhere, it gets put on a different production line, separated from those it knows and loves and now is in with the tough crowd. no more jonnie to look up to, just some tough street youths who were never shown the brighter side of the production line. and then it gets sugar pasted on it and is no longer a happy piece of bran, but a piece of bran that looks as if it has some abnormal growth over 93% of its body. it doesn't even want jonnie's hair now because that would make the bran look even more like a freak. that's a sad life for bran...let me tell you.

maybe this time?

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it probably won't work, but this video is pretty funny...and apt. apt i tell you IT'S FREAKIN APT.

anyway, it's 5:24 on a friday and i'm at work and likely to be at work for a while...so i'm looking at youtube videos to keep me on the plus side of a bi polar problem...but hey, at least i'm not getting ejected from a kickball game...or getting prison raped. because both of those things would force me to take a good, long, hard look at my life and wonder what has happened...that's right, i wrote good long and hard in succesion.

it's only kickball...

but that didn't stop the team we played last night from taking it way too seriously. how seriously? one kid got ejected from trying to fight the umpire. there was at least one other game stopping altercation so that the other team could flip out on the umpires....seriously, this is a game, a stupid stupid game and waste of time, that is referred by players on other teams...who also don't know the rules that well. apparently, we played the rule book writers last night because these guys felt the need to say each rule as it was unfolding before us.

anyway, the kid who got ejected must have been the ring leader of the emotionally disturbed team that we played. he came up and kicked the ball, got to first and then was told it was foul and had to come back. so he got mad at the ump for calling it a foul. then he later went on to kick the ball with his knee and then made it safely to first. in the world of kickball, kicking with your knee is a foul ball. he hated this and had to be restrained on his way back up to kick. then he got out and was not happy in the least. when we came up next, one of our players kneed the ball foul. then out of no where this kid is back cursing at the ump and being restrained. more umps get on the field to make sure this fucking retard doesn't do anything too stupid and then he picks up his backpack and leaves.

i think this team had to be a collection of group therapy people or something. one of their pitchers decided to throw a temper tantrum on the sideline after we scored a few runs on him. then, when they would get outs, he would run on the field screaming at the top of his lungs. people who get this excited over kickball really must have absolutely nothing going for them at all. it's fucking kickball ya douchebag.

then we got some drinks. riding a bike home half drunk listening to headphones with not helmet is apparently a good way to get the doctor mad at you...that and i had my bike cleats on, so i was clipped into my pedals. i had a lot of fun. she was not happy. the only time i fell was when i was waiting for her and i unclicked my right foot and then promptly fell on my left side. this was on a sidewalk, so there was no danger. a passing car stopped to make sure i was OK. that was funny because as soon as i fell, i looked right at them and pointed with both fingers and laughed....of course i was fine, i'm just slightly retarded.

here's a good picture to describe my feelings about the kickball team we played:

crap

i wrote the below post when the preview made me think the post was going to work with the youtube video. now i am what i said i would be at the end of #1. anyway, imagine that i did know what i was doing and that this made you feel like i did 5 minutes ago...which looked something like this:



I THINK IT'S GOING TO WORK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

i absofuckinglutely love youtube. those guys, those are the guys...man.

to touch on a few things briefly:

1. i'm doing that work for 67 hours in a week thing again and i think i'm getting used to it because i'm not in a bad mood yet. check back with me in 10 seconds and then tomorrow at this time and remind me of this post and i will probably snap.

2. the yankees were down 9-0 and then 10-1 last night and won 14-13. there is a God...hence the red sox and white sox winning the world series. however, this comeback also proves there is a devil. as a supporter of the evil empire (the yankees, not the devil) i feel the only way things like this continue to happen is that the devil is on the side of the yankees.

3. i got the video from a guy i work with. it's from robot chicken, so a lot of you have likely already seen it...i just realized i said a lot, but i know everyone who reads this (almost) and that makes me feel like you have seen it...but doesn't the guy sound like the q-man? it's quagmire, quagmire. giggity giggity goo.

4. many people have often asked "who is this evan leer who keeps sending me emails?" i would answer that question but i feel that would only make people dumber. it's not a trick. there isn't some sort of hidden code. want a hint? my last name is two words long. get it yet? i fear who ever asked that question has been made dumber as a direct result of reading my blog. and for that i say, thanks for reading my blog and becoming a minion of me...that's trademarked bitches.

No reason at all

So i had this thought that gmail is on to me and now they aren't giving me what everyone else gets...and i think they spy on me. i made a comment yesterday that gmail doesn't like me because they didn't give me the calendar option and then this morning it just shows up all of a sudden. i made this comment during 24 and now i have the following theory. not only is 24 a show on fox designed by republicans to put fear in americans and therefore let them violate personal privacy more and more, but it is also a show that spies on the conversations of others who watch the show to see what goes through their heads while they are watching a show like that...add to that they partner with google. this makes perfect sense...i mean, afterall, gmail does read your email to put ads that are along the same lines as the emails you receive...big brother all over that...man, it's a conspiracy.

anyway, so today i get to my computer and there it is...a calendar for me to ignore. anyway, so now it turns out i can't put a picture in my chat thing yet...they are totally pissed at me for writing about the not so awesome comments left by people on their chat messages. frickin spies.

so the cat was supposed to be my picture describing "they're on to me". they're not. i'm just not that threatening.

but i touched on something i'd like to go back to. imagine how much better television would be if they did have the technology to record what people talked about during shows like 24. people say some strange things. while timmy makes comments like "i'm so fucked up" at 9:37 on a monday night, you can only imagine what he's going to say at 9:51...and if that is in any way deciferable and applicable to 24, the writers could work it in and yada yada yada, the show would be even wackier than it is. but let's not focus on 24 because that show is the most unrealistic show since futurama. but what if they had this kind of stuff during shows like the simpsons/family guy/south park. cartoons with no need to keep the shows within any realm of reality. it could almost be like a talent search for the writers to pluck people from the entire show watching audience and in the end, it could make for a better show...or it could fail miserably and the world would be worse off for it in the end. i'm going with the latter on this one.


so anyway, scary picture of that cat right?

this is very important

watch this (you need quicktime):

http://www.colorado.edu/studentgroups/mamabird/video/Beau_Jumps_Over_A_Guy.mov

Now, tell me, is your mouth still open or not? Did this video make you laugh as hard as it made me laugh? He just went up and over that dude. Amazing. However, in the video, it doesn't seem like anyone flips out too much. I mean the man held back nothing and just went over another man...that doesn't happen very often. If I'd seen that first hand, I would have probably dropped dead after 20 straight minutes of screaming about how insane it was that he jumped over another person.

that's about all i got.

oh yeah, now that matsui is injured, i should probably let you know that the countdown was the yankees in their quest to score 1000 runs this season. this is nothing more than what the media has projected on them and not a team goal or anything, but with two of their top run producers out, it doesn't look good for them.

my bi-polar day

so i come to the office prepared for hopefully little or nothing to do...and i get little. but this is enough to make me not so pleased. i can't figure out why this is all morning and then it comes to me: i've been at work 6 straight days. then i realize it's about to come to an end.

i've spent the majority of the day walking between my office on the 8th floor and an attorney's office on the 9th floor. during this walk i have to go by the receptionist and a secretary friend of mine. on a good day, i like to shotaholla on the way by, but today was nothing more than a wave while looking straight ahead..real nice like.

anyway, about 3:40 rolls around and like i said above, i realize the 6 day work week is coming to an end and i starting walking back to my office, hands in pocket. i see myself in the reflection of one of the numerous pieces of artwork we have around the firm and it reminds me that at some of the jobs i worked before my change to corporate america, that having your hands in your pocket is not "professional". i've been told everything that is makes you look like you are up to something or that you are playing "pocket pool".

so, naturally, i need an answer to this question and who better to ask than my secretary friend now that i'm on the upside of my bipolarness. so i go through the lessons taught at other jobs, but i don't want to throw out the pocket pool excuse...it's like she can read my mind because she looks at me and drops the "maybe you should as a guy that question"

oops. stupid built in anti-filter. i should have seen this coming, but NO, not me, can't stop won't stop to quote one of the larger crackheads of central jersey.

anyway, this post is in stark contrast to my previous one, so i just wanted timmy to know i'm keeping him in mind.

Oh twist of cruel fate

"Due to this injury, I feel very sorry and, at the same time, very disappointed to have let my teammates down. I will do my best to fully recover and return to the field to help my team once again. I would like to thank Joe Torre from the bottom of my heart for having been considerate of my consecutive games played streak these past several years and for placing me in the lineup every day."

For those that don't know, Hideki Matsui broke his wrist last night in the first inning. This is the statement he put out today about his consecutive games streak. His streak is to Japan what Lou Gehrig's and Cal Ripken, Jr.'s was to America. It's a shame anyone who has played that many games in a row cannot choose to sit a game out and has to be physically unable to play. Gehrig was dying. Ripken decided it was time for a day off. Matsui broke his wrist diving for a ball hit by a guy who was traded for next to nothing. none of this should have ever happend. damn you freakin terrible boston front office for your horrible trades.

Matsui played ever game because of what he was told as a rising talent in Japan. A coach of his told him that he is a special player and he owes it to the fans to be out there for every single game every single night. Superstars like him don't get days off. His objective was to please the fans. What a terrible twist of fate.

i have returned

so i have free time today....it's amazing, you don't have to tell me. actually, today i have to clean up my office and try as much as possible to not make it look like new orleans after....too soon? i'll stop there.

anyway, i have a box. it's empty. soon it will be filled with lots and lots of paper that will never get looked at again but it must be saved. can't not save it otherwise we might perish as a people and that is too much pressure to put on my firm.

so some people have asked me if we are preparing for a trial or at trial or something. for those that don't know the inner workings of a lawfirm, if i was preparing for a trial, i wouldn't be allowed to leave at midnight. and those few moments i would get about once every four hours to check my email wouldn't happen either. and to tell the truth, the trial in this case is 17 months away as of right now....pretty sad right? that means that stuff like this is going to happen to me for the next 15 months and then trial prep starts..unless, like 99% of all civil matters, the case is settled...which is what people in law firms pray for on a nightly basis.

so enough with the boring stuff, let's talk about midgets and stripper poles. not a good combination, unless you live in a midget house and have a midget stripper pole. otherwise, the sheer size difference is intimidating and nothing is erotic about a midget being dwarfed by a house....wow, i worked midget and dwarf into one sentence but yet it couldn't have gotten anymore offensive.

you might have noticed at this point that this post is longer than a lot of the last ones and there are no pictures. well, i was told i needed to factor in people read this to kill time and a few short ones every few days just doesn't cut it. i will go further and say that my pictures are lacking, except for that "you're a homo" picture because that thing is absolute gold.

so if you have any good picure databases for me to search, shotaholler to qplive@gmail.com so that the inbox has something other than the "welcome to gmail! love, the gmail team"

why does every account set up end in "the gmail team" or "the youtube team" or "the gashfestonyourgash team"? what ever happened to personalized replies from internet personell. don't you want to know who you are corresponding to? or don't you hate those "this is a one time automated response that you can't respond to"

if they are going so unpersonal (is that a word?) why not just write, "don't respond, no one checks this" or "fuck off fucky"

ya heard?

to give you an update

maybe you noticed i haven't been around for a while. sorry about that. i haven't had lunch in two days so maybe that gives you some idea as to why i have ignored you for 2 days. it's not personal, i'm just too busy right now.

see, don't you feel better?

so yesterday i thought i was going to get to take a deep breath at work and it didn't happen. i got slammed again and got to run around for hours on end making changes to changes and that's just not so much fun....it case you wondered what that felt like, here is a general idea:



that picture is a amazing. don't be alarmed, i know that is the second baby picture i have used, but i don't have this amazing site of babies doing weird stuff...that'd just be odd and likely get me fired, thrown in jail and molested...and that ain't right.

(NOTE: IF YOU HAVEN'T SEEN THE LAST EPISODE OF PRISON BREAK AND CARE WHAT HAPPENS, DON'T READ UNTIL THE NEXT PARAGRAPH)
i caught up on prison break last night and was too worn out from work to realize what was going on. about 20 minutes after the show ended i paused from what i was doing and said out loud, "hey, the escaped, cool". it didn't really cross my mind that what i set out to do, way back in September, has been accomplished. i mainly wanted to see how they would get out of jail and now they have. my life is complete...but those damn side dramas are forcing me back in, which i am happy to do.


i hope those who cared about prison break didn't read above if they haven't seen the last episode...because they got out. I GOT GOOD YOU FUCKER!

delirious due to work...not the crack



and that's just funny

Man, I hope this works

So i've seen on other blogs that you can put youtube videos on and play them directly from your own site. i commend the makers of youtube for creating an amazing website out of a simple idea. it's people like the youtube creators who take a simple idea and making money off of it...like a lot of money. i wish i had that idea...but then again, i would have no idea what to do with an idea like that, so it's best if we just let it go. anyway, i hope the video shows up on this page and can be played from here.

Just to give you an idea

Man, I'm starting to freak out. I've worked 30 hours in the past 2 days. I kind of feel like that kid to the left over there. Well, except for the feeling of just wetting my pants. I don't have that feeling. When I was a kid, my mom potty trained me on this Sesame Street Potty Training device (I think it was a Sesame Street one)...so essentially, I merced all over that show. Anyway, I used to get baby sat by my friends mom. My friend is 1 year younger than me and what do I see when I went to his house? The same one. Not that his mom bought the same one but that my mom passed it down. Who does that? Anyway, I think I was terrified of it and therefore always had trouble using the bathroom at my friends house. So that's a little insight no one needed to know.

But yeah, I'm really starting to freak out...and to top it all off? I have to work sunday. So while you're waking up at a decently late hour of the morning and if you're chaz, cracking your first morning beer around 10:30 am, please, have a sip for me...and if you're truly my friend, you'll do a shotgun when you wake up and then post a comment on my blog to let me know you are thinking of me.

so annoyed

i have been working non stop. i spent about 15 minutes yesterday trying to find an image to express exactly how much misery i was going through. i decided that if i woke up today and still felt as miserable, i was jumping off the tallest building i could find. this being DC though, odds are i wouldn't die and would only be confined to a wheelchair for the rest of my life (because all the buildings in DC have height restrictions). anyway, i picked up my search again this morning and the squirrel is what i came up with. as soon as i saw it, i knew it was right.

sorry for the prolonged absence, i've just been too busy.
nothing even remotely fun has happened in the last few days.
i'm boring myself right now, so i am going to end the punnishment being inflicted on you.

this is a good look for me

there are so many things wrong with this picture i don't even know where to start. first off, this doesn't appear to be a joke. why? because the dude is not laughing at all. he has to be laughing at himself non stop otherwise he thinks this is some kind of good idea. it's not. secondly, nice phone case. moving on again, why a rubberband? has he not thought enough about this to realize the mark this is going to leave on his head? man, this guy just didn't think this one through. BUY A BLUETOOTH. it's always better to look like an alien that the human equivalent to homer simpson in the simpsons epidose where homer decides to become an inventor.

not much

pretty much, this is here because i'm tired of that alanis moresisissitette picute coming up eveytime i come back here. man, talk about overboard last week.

but i'm thinking about mixing it up a bit. meaning that i will try to come up with shorter posts, but somewhat more frequently....nothing like the 3 or 4 a day i was up to at the end of last week, but maybe 1 to 2 a day if i can.